


Bird of Prey

by Mystic_Ender



Series: One, Two, Three [3]
Category: Hunger Games Series - All Media Types, Hunger Games Trilogy - Suzanne Collins
Genre: F/F, Hunger Games-Typical Death/Violence, M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-02-17
Updated: 2021-03-05
Packaged: 2021-03-11 22:43:18
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 12
Words: 29,926
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29500137
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mystic_Ender/pseuds/Mystic_Ender
Summary: Catherine was tired of running.She had run for most of her life. From problems, from her future. She had closed her eyes and allowed her feet to pound the earth, trying to get to an ideal world before everything caught up to her and swallowed her whole.But maybe for once, she needed to become what people feared. What the Capitol feared.Maybe for once, she needed to become the predator, just long enough so that she got what she wished for.Her home.
Relationships: Original Female Character(s)/Original Female Character(s), Original Male Character(s)/Original Male Character(s)
Series: One, Two, Three [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2013622
Comments: 7
Kudos: 4
Collections: The Hiraeth Timeline





	1. Part One

Cath didn’t know if the fact she was used to the white of the hospital was a good thing.

She supposed it wasn’t, in a way. Anyone who told someone that fact would be looked upon with concern, considering it meant one got hurt enough (or broke down enough) that they got used to a place so sterile, that felt so unnatural, that it wasn’t a bother to go there anymore. She loved other colors, of course she did, but there was something about the white of a hospital that made you feel like you could stay there forever and… nothing could go wrong. You would be taken care of, you wouldn’t have to feel like you have to fight for your life every time.

It was soothing, in a way.

She had left that bubble of safety a long time ago. She had pushed it for as long as she could to avoid seeing the responsibilities that would fall upon her, to see the reality she was now stuck in. But, eventually, the doctors of District Thirteen had stuck a bracelet on her wrist telling people she wasn’t mentally stable and let her loose within their halls. Well, not that loose, anyway. She usually had a schedule to follow, but if there was one thing she was good at with her so-called ‘mental instability’, it was avoiding those damn schedules that were printed on her skin. Right now was one of those moments, as she walked to make her way back.

The only few people she had been able to see since she came back here were in that hospital. Other than her brother, father, and Violet and her family, she had only been able to see Mrs. Rivera along with James, who were still… doing their best to recover. For James, it was more mental than anything, since you had to tell him things a few times so that it fully reached him, and as for Mrs. Rivera, she had been stuck in the District Twelve fire like everyone else. She had made it out, but… she had been a little close, and she got some nasty burns that still needed to be looked at and cared for. That, and she suffered some very intense confusion from all the events that had fallen upon her. 

“I’m here to visit Margret Rivera,” She announced once she finally reached the hospital, and made her way in. The same doctor that usually greeted her sighed and looked at her with his tired eyes, knowing full well what she was about to do, but still readied himself for what he was about to ask. It was protocol, anyway.

“I need to see your schedule,” The doctor said tiredly, holding a small box of supplies in his arms. The hospital was calmer than it had been when she first got here, but it was still busy and obviously, the man had better things to do than to deal with her. Or check her schedule to make sure she was on break and could be here instead of somewhere else.

“I’m mentally shaken.” She replied automatically, something she had said a lot recently between naps around the District. She lifted her small bracelet for good measure, lifting an eyebrow. “So that means I can see anyone who can reassure me, yeah?”

“You know it doesn’t work like that, yeah?”

“Yeah, but it hasn’t fucking stopped me, has it?”

“Apparently so. She’s at the same spot as usual.”

She grinned at her small victory and lowered her arm before slowly making her way towards Mrs. Rivera’s hospital bed. She was towards the back, where it was calmer, along with James. They were some of the only people left in that permanent side of the hospital, along with some people whose burns and injuries were still too severe, but they were getting fewer and fewer by the day. Which, was good. She supposed she was happy the few people that remained of Twelve were settling in nicely. The children got food and an education, and the adults, well… they got jobs and were settled to move on. She just wished she could move on as easily, too. But it wasn’t the case. She doubted it ever would be.

The entirety of Twelve had been granted citizenship in District Thirteen. They had stayed in the forest for a few days, first, with no link to the outside world. Her father and her brother had done what they could to tend to the wounds they could with whatever supplies they had; which hadn’t been a lot. They had grabbed the essentials and began running once the warning had been given to them by Lukas’s family. Though, not many made it out. She didn’t know the exact count, but she knew that she didn’t see a lot of familiar faces. She hadn’t seen Charlie, and she wanted to hope she hadn’t died out there, but she knew it probably wasn’t the case. She and so many other people had probably perished to the fires dropped on them by the Capitol.

“Were you antagonizing the doctors again?” Mrs. Rivera asked in light amusement as she watched Catherine walk over and sit by her bedside. She had a bandage over the top of her head that covered a little bit of her face still and on her hands, though the ones on her arms and legs were gone. The scarring wounds weren’t pretty, but then again, no wounds were. She knew that. “You have got to stop doing that.”

“Antagonizing is a bit of a strong word. I’m just using what they gave me against them- nothing wrong there,” She joked lightly, crossing her arms as she leaned back into the uncomfortable chair. Mrs. Rivera had been a comforting presence, after all of this. Despite her confusion, despite her wounds, she had done what she could for her- and James. She was certainly one of the people Cath held the most trust and respect in. “How are you? The wounds are healing correctly, right?”

“Don’t worry about me, I’m doing just fine.” Mrs. Rivera leaned forward to pat Catherine on the knee lightly before retreating back with a light smile. She had always avoided the questions that regarded her, or at least, the questions that could plant worry into people’s hearts. “How about you? Have you accepted to become the Mockingjay?”

Ah, yes. The Mockingjay. They wanted her as the face of a rebellion, of a war, to inspire hope into people’s hearts. She would follow the job she had supposed to not be doing before the Quells, setting fire to an already fragile system. After the Quells, from what she heard, it had truly begun shattering as people rallied together. There were fights over various places, spies were working hard to gather information, and more and more soldiers were trained for this. And, they wanted her to become the face of this.

She didn’t know what to do, exactly. She didn’t know if she should join this, after all, every time she got involved in something (willingly or not) the only thing she had ever brought was pain and death. The man from Eleven who had whistled, Twelve who got a stricter group of Peacekeepers after she stopped Violet’s whipping, and the fact that Fritz got arrested and beaten up in front of her. They were apparently dead, according to Michael’s spies, or at least they thought so. She was afraid that if she accepted, more people would die. But there was also the slim chance that if she helped, that if she accepted, then maybe some good would be done. 

It was a decision she would eventually have to make, but for now, she had strictly been ignoring it to the best of her capabilities. Much to President Emma’s irritation.

“I don’t know yet,” She answered simply after a few seconds of silence, her smile having gotten tight on her face after that. She gripped her forearms, digging her nails into the skin to get her back to reality. She needed to change the subject. She didn’t want to talk about this with Mrs. Rivera again. She meant well, to encourage her to join it, to give her the positives, but the negatives kept nagging in the back of her mind through it all. “I’m considering it still.”

“Take the time you need… it is an important decision,” Mrs. Rivera said with a light smile before looking away. Her hands were folded on the top of the covers as she looked around the room, and something made her expression turn blank for a quick second before it came back to the normal smile. “Ah… and I had a question for you. Do you know where my son is?”

“...Which one?” She asked carefully. She had a feeling she knew exactly which son would be asked for, or at least she thought she was close enough. “You have a lot of sons, Mrs. Rivera.”

“Margret, please.” She said quickly, before sighing. “Johnny. I haven’t seen him around… Percy came with Jesse, but I thought he would come with his daughter himself…”

“He’s doing… something.” She said carefully. She forgot Mrs. Rivera had moments of amnesia. Doctors said it was related to trauma, or at least the high confusion she had been through. Her memories are doing their best to adjust, and those things happen. They said it would eventually stop, but before then, Cath often had those moments of wondering if she should tell Mrs. Rivera Johnny had died when the fire rained down on Twelve. He had done what he could to help people out, but he hadn’t made it out, along with one of his brothers, Bill, and his dickhead of a father. She supposed this was another death that had been caused by her, along with all the others of Twelve who hadn’t made it. All of this, because of a simple arrow. “He’ll come around later, I’m sure.”

“I hope you’re right.” She sighed, before turning away from her to look towards the hospital’s doors. “I do miss him.”

“I know.” She muttered. She had met Johnny only briefly, but he certainly had seemed kind enough. He had been kind towards her, anyway. She wondered if he would have been had she come home alone, after her first Games. She didn’t know, and she was glad of that fact. She did flash a quick smile at Mrs. Rivera after that, though. “Don’t worry about it, though.”

She stayed silent for a little while after that, though eventually, a doctor came her way. She wondered if one of the other doctors had finally snapped and decided to tell her to leave despite her ‘mental instability’ bracelet, which honestly wouldn’t surprise her. She knew it was only a matter of time before the doctors had enough of her coming around, even if she just came to talk to Mrs. Rivera and James whenever he was stable enough.

“Catherine Harrison? You’re called to Commands.” He said quietly, hoping that the patients wouldn’t be bothered. At her look of confusion, the man only shrugged. “Someone figured you came around here and sends us the messages now.”

She sighed after that and nodded, before getting up. She wondered if she would be going through another talk about the Mockingjay. She supposed she would. They were talking to her about it more frequently now, they probably hoped that they could annoy her enough that she accepted to do it if only so that they shut up. Well, the joke was on them. If they asked literally anyone who knew her, they would tell them she was… especially stubborn, when she wished to be. And this was one of those things she was ready to be stubborn about.

She stood in the doorway of the Commands room, simply watching everyone inside. There were the various maps that gave the positions of soldiers, the walls covered with computers and other such things, and finally the hug table in its center with all the buttons she wasn’t allowed to touch- much to her disappointment. She seriously hoped she could simply fade away, maybe go somewhere and catch a nap instead of assisting to what would probably be another talk, but Michael Ambrose, who stood near the TV screen in the back of the room smiled and waved her over. She sighed and made her way over reluctantly, and watched the things that always passed on that TV. Images of war, propaganda, the rediffusion of the bombing of Twelve, and occasionally, messages from Snow himself. She supposed they were made to be scary, but really, all she could feel was irritation as she watched it on the screen.

Then, finally, it switched to Caesar Flickerman. She didn’t know she would see him today, but she supposed she shouldn’t be all that surprised. He was popular even after the Games, after all, and had various shows centered on himself. Today, it was apparently an interview. She squinted at the screen, watching the man in his usual bright hair and clothes before her eyes widened when the screen moved.

Lukas was sitting there.


	2. Part Two

_Lukas was sitting there._

Her mouth opened and closed in shock, and she made a sound she couldn’t even define. He looked… fine. Healthy. He didn’t look like the man she saw in her nightmares. He didn’t look like a man who had suffered, but… some part of her wondered if he was okay. The Capitol had to have secret torture techniques that didn’t influence your appearance, right? But… no. Lukas looked the same he always did, if only a bit serious, which was unlike him. He had always seemed like the type of guy to joke at any moment, despite the situation. 

“Well, Lukas… it’s good to see you again.” Caesar began, settling back into his seat comfortably.

“I bet you hoped you had your last interview with me, uh?” Lukas replied, grinning a little, though it quickly faded away. What he said sounded like him, but what followed hadn’t.

“Well, no, not hoped-” Caesar corrected, though he did sigh and nod. “Though I did think it would be my last interview with you, the night that followed the Quell. Who thought we’d see you here again?”

“It was certainly not part of my plan, anyway.” He agreed, with a small frown.

“I think everyone had guessed what your plan had been,” Caesar said, leaning forward a little. “Sacrifice yourself in that arena for Catherine and your unborn child.”

She winced a little at that. Yeah… she had expected to die for him in there. Not the other way around. Fake pregnancy or not, she would have done what she needed to so that Lukas went back home with Gabe. But she supposed that plan had been thrown out the window. Whether that was good or not, she didn’t know.

“...Yeah. That had been it.” He said after a second of silence. She wondered if he felt as awkward as she was now. “But, well. Other people had other plans for us.”

“...What if you told us about the last night in the arena, Lukas?” Caesar said softly, almost as if he was apologetic. Though she doubted he was. “It could help us see things under a better light, don’t you think?”

“Yeah… the last night. When I talk about the last night, one thing you have to imagine what it feels like to be in that arena. That feeling of being but a bug under a dome of glass, where the air is burning your lungs with each breath. The jungle around you, green and rumbling with life. The clock kept promising new horrors with each hour. You have to know that sixteen people died under two days- some while trying to save you. At the speed that things were going, the eight others would be dead by morning, except one. The winner. And, if you were following the plan, it wouldn’t be you.”

That certainly was not an inaccurate picture. Lukas might have been shit with words most of the time, but he had his moments, where he could picture things as they were, with scary accuracy. This was one of those moments. She could feel the fear pumping through her veins with that description, she could feel the crushing guilt that came with killing just with this description.

“When you are in the arena, the rest of the world seems very far away. Those you love, who could have held some importance to you, that seems to basically fade away. The only things that remain are that pink sky, the creatures threatening to kill you along with the tributes. Nothing else matters. Even if it makes you sick, you will need to kill, because in the arena we can only have one wish. And it costs so much.”

“It costs your life,” Caesar said simply. He added nothing else. She didn’t know why she had expected him to continue, maybe because of the fact he had opened his mouth, as if about to add something else, before Lukas spoke.

“Oh, no. It costs so much more,” Lukas cut him off, shaking his head. “Killing innocent people costs who you are.”

“Who you are…” Caesar repeated, with a mumble. She didn’t know if, at that moment, he truly understood the stakes of the Games, but he probably didn’t. He had done this for so long, after all.

“So, you hold onto your wish. And that night, that night, I wanted to get Cath out. But, even without knowing what the rebels were about to do, it felt… weird. Everything was becoming too complicated. I regretted not running away with her earlier that day. But, it was too late to back out.”

“You had to follow Jessica’s plan to electrocute the saltwater,” Caesar added, raising an eyebrow.

“I should have followed her. I lost Cath when I let her separate us.”

“When you stayed at the base of the thunder tree, while Amy McNamara and her were running towards the lake with that thread.” He tried to clarify, seeing Lukas… hadn’t said a lot.

“I was against that damn idea!” He insisted, obviously getting angry. He passed his hands in his hair, messing it up, as he obviously tried to calm himself down. Whatever product they had put in his hair made it stand in spikes, but it was obvious he didn’t care. “But I couldn’t exactly say no without it being obvious that we wanted to run. When the thread snapped, then the situation turned to shit. I can’t… I can’t remember most of it. But I do remember trying to search for her. Seeing Brutus kill Chaff. Then killing Brutus myself. I could remember her call for me, then… thunder hit the tree, and the force field around the arena… exploded.”

“It was Catherine that made it explode, Lukas,” Caesar corrected quickly. “You saw it in the sequence.”

“Obviously she didn’t know what she was doing.” He snapped, removing his hands from his hair to glare lightly at Caesar. Now that, was a bit more like him. Though she did miss the joking that was so characteristic with him during his interviews. This didn’t… feel right. Him being on screen again wasn’t right. She wished he was there with them. “None of us knew what were doing. Jessica’s plan was hard to follow. It was obvious that she was wondering what she was supposed to do with that thread.”

“If you say so. It’s just that the images are… disturbing, to say the least.” Caesar insisted. “As if she was working with the rebels from the beginning.”

“Oh, yeah?” He snapped, getting up and slamming his hands right on Caesar’s seat. It was obvious Lukas was upset, and the other man was doing nothing to calm him down. He had only pushed it with that question, and now he was regretting that decision if Caesar’s slight panicked gaze meant anything. “Do you think it was part of her damn plan to get hit in the head with that thread by Amy? To get paralyzed by the thunder? To start the bombing? She knew nothing, Caesar! We were just trying to keep the other alive!”

“Alright, Lukas.” Caesar put his hands on Lukas’s chest, as if he was trying to be reassuring, but it was obvious he was trying to push him away. “I believe you.”

“Good.” He said, softer this time than the screaming he was doing moments before, before moving away from the seat. He was passing his hands in his hair again, messing it up even more as he fell back in his own seat.

“...And your mentor, Gabriel Douglass?”

“I don’t know what Gabe knew or not.” Lukas said, his face… carefully neutral. It was certainly dangerous, now. He loved Gabe, Cath knew that, so the fact that he was asked this… what the hell was he supposed to answer? If he tried defending him as he did for her, he would be pretty much condemning him more than he already was, and he would probably be betraying his feelings along the way. 

“Would it be possible to think that he played a part in all of this?”

“He never spoke about it in front of us.” He said again. Another neutral answer. This was frustrating Caesar, and it showed.

“Yes, but what do you think?”

“That… that…” He frowned. Did he want to play the card that he hated Gabe, or did he want to stay neutral? If he tried again, there would be chances Caesar pushed again, and Gods knew what would happen next. “I should… I should have been more careful around him.”

She smiled sadly, at that answer. She supposed this was the best he could get out there. She didn’t know if Gabe was watching this along with them, from wherever he was. She hadn’t seen him since that moment on the hovercraft, when she had screamed out her anger at him. All those words about how he should have left her there. Lukas should have been first, after all. But, no. She had been taken, and she had been angry about it. She still is a little, she supposed. She had expected to die, and she hadn’t. Though it didn’t really matter now, considering she hadn’t seen Gabe in a good while. District Thirteen was against the consumption of any alcohol, and the one in the infirmary was under lock and key. So, he was currently going through a rough patch, having to get used to not drinking anymore, while all alone. 

She supposed it was better this way. As much as she loved him, seeing himself drown in alcohol, constantly drinking anytime something came up, it hurt a lot. He would be better off this way, he would get better. She knew he would. He would be… very irritated for a while, whenever he could be seen into public again, but he would be better this way. She just hoped she could get some sort of news from him. See how he was doing.

“We can stop here, if you want,” Caesar said, reaching out a hand to touch Lukas’s shoulder lightly, with a smile.

“What else is there to talk about?” He said with a short, bitter laugh. Nothing like the one she was used to. “We’ve gone through the essentials, haven’t we?”

“I wanted to ask you what you thought of this war,” Caesar began carefully. Apparently, he had learned of his little pinning to the seat not too long ago. “But if you’re not in the right state of mind to answer…”

“Oh, no, that I can answer,” He sighed, before turning to look at the camera. “I want everyone who is watching- whether they are on the Capitol’s side or on the rebels’- to stop for a moment and think. Thinks of the consequences of this war. Of humanity in general. We already almost got annihilated completely in the past. We aren’t a lot. Our resources are fragile. Is this really what we want? Kill each other until there is no one left? And for what? A better species, to inherit the remains of the earth?”

“I’m… I’m not sure I’m following.”

“We can’t continue to stop killing each other like that, Caesar,” Lukas continues, though he does look a lot more tired than he was moments ago. Was this really what he wanted, or was this what he had been asked to say? “Otherwise, the fight will stop because we have no one else left. If no one puts down the weapons, and fast, there will be no one else to save.”

“So… you ask for a cease-fire?”

“That’s exactly what I’m asking for.” He confirms, with a small nod. “Now, if I could be brought back so that I can finish my tower of cards?”

“Very well. I think everything was talked about,” Caesar said with a light smile, though it did look a little fake as he turned towards the camera. “Now, back to your regular schedule.”

A small piece of music played, and it felt like it was only her and the current show on TV for a good while. Her ears were buzzing, her heart was beating hard in her chest as she was trying to make sense of all of this. She knew everyone was waiting for her reaction to that interview, and she seriously thought that at least one person would be waiting for her to say what she thought about the cease-fire. She supposed it was better than she had expected. Lukas had been carefully neutral the whole time, and the cease-fire was the closest he could probably get without taking anyone’s side.

Obviously, this didn’t please everyone else. When she snapped back into reality, she could hear everyone else’s accusations against him in her back, those bitter words filled with venom over the fact that he had done what he could to not sign his death sentence. She tried to stand tall, remain neutral, but eventually when one person added coward to that sentence… she snapped.

“All of you, SHUT UP!” She screamed, and everyone stopped to stare at her in slight surprise at her reaction. She supposed they had expected her usual apathy, or at least, the one she showed during meetings when she was asked to come to Commands. Her cheeks burned a little, but she raised her head high in defiance, showing she stood by her words. “Don’t talk about him like that.”

She began moving through the crowd after that, determined to get out of here, but a voice quickly stopped her.

“I do believe no one told you that you could leave, Soldier Harrison.” Emma’s cold voice rang through the now silent room, and Cath only raised her head to stare at her with a light glare.

“I don’t need your permission.” She spat, and left again after that. No one stopped her, and she was more than grateful for it as she began stomping down the halls, before finding the room she usually held in. Supplies filled it, various papers and pens and other such things she hadn’t really bothered to search for. Those were the only two things she used while in here, drawing and designing to get her mind off things.

She closed the door behind her and sunk against one of the boxes in the room, breathing hard as a smile graced her face for the first time in a while. Well, she did smile. Just… not one this huge, not as filled with happiness.

Lukas was okay. He was okay. He wasn’t hurt, not yet anyway. This was more than she could have asked for.

Now, it was a question of what she would do next. Lukas had done his play, he had moved his character on the large chessboard that was this war. It was a small piece, perhaps insignificant, and she would need to do her move before Snow did. She needed to send both of them a message somehow. One of hope for Lukas, definitely, one to tell him to hold on. A threat for Snow, however. Something that told him she was coming for his head, that she was coming for his life.

She thought hard and long, alone in this room, the only sound being her breathing and her beating heart.

She had her answer, but a small part didn’t want to admit it.

“I need to become the Mockingjay.” She whispered, softly, carefully. As if testing the statement in her mouth, trying to wrap her mind around it. “I _have_ to become the Mockingjay.”

And thus, the decision was made.


	3. Part Three

She couldn’t sleep. No matter what she did, she couldn’t sleep.

She was used to cold nights, back home, or at least, she was used to being able to feel a bit of wind on her face every night. She was used to hearing dogs bark in the streets, she was used to the artificial buzzing that came with the rare lights in the street that constantly lit up on and off, she was used to burying herself under two, three blankets which had felt like a luxury to her at the time. District Thirteen was so different in this aspect, that she couldn’t help but not be able to fall asleep. Sure, there was an artificial buzzing, but there was no wind, there were no animals, there were no multiple blankets. Just a thick gray one that felt impersonal, like she was only borrowing it from someone. She had gotten used to sleeping everywhere in the arena, she had not much choice but to, but now… everything was just too odd. There was no familiarity, no nothing.

It threw her off, and she hated it.

She turned on her side and looked from where she laid on her thin mattress and towards the bigger bed, where her father, as huge as he was, was sleeping with her younger brother asleep on his chest. It was a familiar sight she was used to seeing each morning back home when she still shared a bed with them. Before the Games. She supposed she could climb in there and try and sleep with them, but she moved so much in her sleep and panicked so easily if she was trapped in it, that the doctors had decided it was safer for her to have her own bed. She knew it was safer, too, despite how much she grumped about it sometimes, much to their amusement. She knew they missed that small normality of the three of them in one bed during the long winter nights, but she also knew they preferred her alive, with them than not at all.

She finally just sighed and pushed herself up, letting her feet touch the cold ground. She tied her hair at the base of her neck in a small bun, before getting up and stretching a little. She decided that spending another sleepless night wouldn’t be the end of the world. She knew that sleeping would be better, but with the state she was in, she knew she wouldn’t be able to. So might as well stay up and move for a little while before sitting back down and stare at a wall for a few hours, than force herself through the torture that was trying to doze off. She stretched a little bit before going for the dresser, where she looked through her drawer for something.

She dug through her reglementary clothes for a long time before her fingers closed on a little pearl that she took out and brought out close to her eyes, before making it shine under the security light that was constantly on in their small compartment. The pearl was one of the only things she had left from Twelve. She had the spout they had been given still, along with her Mockingjay pin, but she no longer had the cream for the scars for the acid burns or her bow and arrows. One had been taken to the hospital, and the other was now in the weaponry. She would almost prefer having it in her hands, as some sort of reassurance, but she knew she couldn’t. They were too afraid she would snap and do something she would regret. Or would not regret, since they truly believed she was that mentally unstable.

She sat on her bed once again after that, rolling the pearl between her shaking fingers (the acid had affected her hands too much and they had never truly healed despite the care the doctors had shown them) and hummed softly, carefully. She hadn’t sung in ages, and she didn’t want to wake up her family at an ungodly hour.

“...Cath? Are you awake?” Marcus questioned weakly, lifting his head up from where it was resting on their father’s chest, blinking carefully in the dim lighting that the security light provided in the room. It had never been a strong light, but she knew how aggressive it could be when you woke up in the middle of the night. He looked like he was about to fall asleep again at any moment, exhaustion deep in his bones, but he still carefully moved, making sure their father didn’t wake despite how much of a light sleeper he was. “You’re singing.”

“I’ve always sung,” She pointed out, still rolling the pearl between her fingers. And it was the truth. She always sang around their home, even if it was under her breath, soft humming as she made her way around. She could remember her father joking about how it was how he knew where she was in the home. She had also hummed around Gabe, when they made their way deeper in the forest, until she had to finally shut up in case they scared away the prey. But as the years went by, and as she went through her first Games, she had eventually stopped. Or at least, she hadn’t done it as much. 

“Yeah, but you haven’t in fucking ages,” He pointed out, and slowly made his way to the bed, before sitting next to her, his legs folded to his chest. It was still odd for her that he was the taller one of the two now. She supposed she had to get used to it, however, considering she was only five feet and two inches. She was ridiculously small, and she knew it. It’s what came with drinking alcohol so often as a child, she supposed. “What’s up?”

“It’s nothing, dickhead,” She muttered and pushed him a little. She watched him sway a little to the side before coming back in his initial situation, just raising a brow at her, obviously not believing her. Just in that small action, she knew that he had grown up. He was no longer the twelve years old she had volunteered for during the Games. He was a thirteen years old boy that had watched his older sister go through two years of pain for him, and still suffered the consequences of it. He was a boy who had watched his district burn. It was a consequence of that. “Don’t worry about me. Go back to sleep.”

“I’ve watched you on a TV screen two times, Cath.” Marcus pointed out, before dragging the blanket over and throwing it over both of their shoulders, bringing both of them warmth. She hadn’t noticed she was cold, but she supposed he had. “Come on. You can tell me, I won’t tell Dad or anything.”

“I ain’t telling you shit.” Her tone was mostly teasing, though she knew she wasn’t willing to talk.

“Stop being fucking stubborn for a moment, and talk,” Marcus pushed, looking at her with tired eyes. “I’m worried.”

“..Alright, fine.” She caved in perhaps a little too easily, though that may be because he was her little brother, and the fact that he was worried… well, it hurt her too, at the same time. She didn’t want him to hurt. She had wanted him to get a good life, one without worry, one where he ate when he was hungry and was always warm and safe at home. But obviously, life hadn’t been so kind as to give him that. “I’m accepting to become the Mockingjay tomorrow.”

“That’s it?” He sounded in disbelief at the fact that this was what she had refused to talk about, and she only rolled his eyes at the tone of his voice, before shrugging. “Are you doing it ‘cause you want to or because you have to?”

“Both, I guess,” She muttered a little bitterly, though she eventually just sighed and continued. “No, I want to. I know it’ll fucking piss of Snow, and I’d do anything to annoy the hell out of him right now. At least, until we can beat him. The only thing I’m worried about is what they’ll do to Lukas when we win. He said some shit in his interview and I know it displeased some people, had to tell them to shut the fuck up.”

“That sounds like you,” Marcus commented, and he only snickered at the light punch on the arm he got in answer to that statement. His laughter quickly faded, however, and his tone turned serious, something she hadn’t heard from him in… well. Ever. At least, from what she remembered. “Though… Cath I don’t think you see how important you are to them, to the rebellion. People that important usually get what they want… if you want to protect him, you can probably fucking do it.”

“So… I could basically ask for his immunity, and I would get it?”

“I think you could ask for literally anything,” Marcus confirmed and frowned. “Though it’s a question of will they be true to their word?”

“I’ll ask for a public announcement,” She said after a few seconds of thinking, and she saw her brother’s mouth twitch into a small smirk, knowing this was probably what he had in mind, or at least, he found that solution of hers smart. “I’ll force Emma into making an announcement in front of the entire Thirteen population.”

“Smart,” Marcus agreed, nodding. “It doesn’t guarantee anything, but it’ll certainly make it hard for them to not follow their promise.”

“I should wake you up more often, dickhead,” She said, grinning a little. They both knew the insult was affectionate, she did the same thing with everyone she cared about, except for her father but that was obvious as to why.

“That’d be fun,” Marcus agreed before pushing her a little bit “You should go back to sleep now.”

And she did. Despite the risk of nightmares, she did. She supposed talking with her brother had helped in a way she hadn’t expected, despite the fact she wished to keep him away from such problems as much as she possibly could.  
The next morning, she got her neat little schedule tattoo and sighed at the sight of it. Though the fact that she was supposed to be at the commands room soon after breakfast fit her perfectly well. The sooner this was done, the sooner she could ask to make sure Lukas would be safe and sound. She walked all the way to the cafeteria with her brother and father, humming softly, and she knew it made the both of them happy to see she was doing it again. She hadn’t meant to, really, but she was in a good mood. The fact that this could possibly work put her in a good mood. She scanned her schedule that had her identification number on the scanner and grabbed her plate that she slid all the way down the line to get her portion.

Everything was carefully calculated in Thirteen. Every portion was perfect, everything was made so that you wouldn’t be hungry until the next meal, which was in a few hours. They took into account your age, your height, your weight, what your work was, your period… everything. They did not allow anything to be out of line, they wanted everything to be in their perfect little squares. Which, was why you couldn’t share your food with other people. You were punished when you did so, and it had been hard for her especially, considering how used she was to share her food with her family. She sat down at the table that was assigned to the Harrisons, the Gardners, and a few other refugees, and began eating slowly but surely.

She watched Violet eye the food she was barely touching, and with a small smile, she took most of it and dumped it on her plate.

“You have got to stop doing that,” Violet said, though Cath knew the sixteen years old (soon to be seventeen) did not complain about the extra food in her plate. Cath was used to feeling hungry, and she didn’t mind it if it meant someone she cared for felt full and ready to handle the start of their day. “It has to be illegal or something.”

“When has that stopped me?” She pointed out, joking a little. It was true, though. It had never truly stopped her, and she doubted it ever would. She had done a lot of illegal things back in Twelve, before and after the Games, and she was doing it now in Thirteen apparently, considering the food was regulated. “What do you start with?”

“Classes,” Violet shrugged. It was obvious she wasn’t a fan of the classes here in Thirteen. They were a lot harder here than they had been back home, considering many more teachers were taught to do their job and hadn’t been hired if they even had little to no experience. It made a difference, and she knew that Violet had a hard time adjusting. “You?”

“Commands room,” She answered simply, and watched Violet from over her now empty plate. She supposed she could find a way to make sure Violet had fewer classes, or at least, she was able to do something she wanted after them. She would be the Mockingjay, after all. It couldn’t be that hard to convince them to allow them to hunt again… she could add Marcus and Gabe to the list of people she could take with her. Gabe whenever he was better, of course. “I should be on my way to there.”

“Go,” Violet said through her mouthful of food, waving her spoon at her as if telling her to ‘shoo.” “I’ll see you after school.”

Cath only chuckled as she got up, grabbing her plate and bringing it back before making her way towards the Commands room slowly but surely.

When she reached the door to it, she stood in front of it for a long, long time before taking a deep breath and making her way in.

It was showtime.


	4. Part Four

“I accept to become the Mockingjay.”

Those had been her first words after she finished writing her little list down, the paper held tightly enough in her hands she was afraid she was crumbling it. She supposed she was, but it’s not like she cared much at the moment. She looked around the room, expecting smiles, happiness at the fact that she finally accepted to become something they had been begging her to be. She got nothing. Just carefully neutral faces, and dozens of eyes staring her down in answer. She supposed she shouldn’t be surprised, but she was still a little bit disappointed she got no reaction, as she looked down at her list quickly before looking back up.

“But, I have some conditions.” 

That, however, got a small reaction. A small nod from the President, who stood at the end of the table, her cold eyes driven on her. She was young, maybe a few years older than her, but it certainly felt like she was much older than she showed. It felt like she had gotten through a war before, like she had seen stuff nobody in this room did. Maybe she had, for all she knew, but apparently, she had been born and raised in Thirteen like every single one of the original people from here. Cath took that reaction as a sign for her to go on, and she took it, even if she would have continued with or without her approval.

“I want to be able to see Jessica.” She began, slowly. She hadn’t seen her since they had come back. Jess had been pretty much wheeled away, still in the hospital bed, somewhere Cath didn’t even know. She had been able to see her during meals, but she hadn’t even been able to talk to her. She couldn’t sit with her, she couldn’t do anything besides wave at her from afar and smile. Yes, for some people that would be more than enough, but for her? It wasn’t. It truly wasn’t. 

“No.” Someone answered, shaking their head. Cath’s head immediately turned towards them, glaring a little. The person simply raised their brow at her, not even bothered by her reaction and her glare, apparently used to her anger despite how often she was simply apathetic and numb during those meetings. “She’s in Special Defense, she’s working, she can’t be bothered-”

“Let her,” Emma cut the person off, looking at Catherine with a look of… something. She didn’t know what it was. It felt like she knew of something that the others did not, like she knew why Cath wanted to be able to see her, but… there was another hint of something in there, she couldn’t exactly put her finger on it. “You can go during free time at the end of the day. Otherwise, we’re taking that privilege away from you.”

She supposed that was the best deal she could get, and simply looked back down at her list to see what next. She preferred to get all the smaller… _easier_ things to decide out of the way before she got to the last thing, that she knew would be harder to convince them to give her.

“I want to be able to go hunt,” She insisted, and at everyone’s hesitation, she only sighed. She preferred that over the outright denial that she had gotten for Jess at first. It was easier to work around it, to convince them to give her that right. “With Violet, Marcus, and Gabe whenever he can go in public again. We’re not gonna go far, we’ll bring our own weapons and, well…. it’ll put meat on the menu.”

Michael was obvious about to add something to this, if the frustration that swam in his eyes meant anything. He most likely had protest upon protest up his sleeve to make sure she stayed right here, unable to be hurt or anything of the sort, but before he could even begin citing them all, Emma answered.

“Very well. One person at a time with you only, two hours a day taken during your training time. Four hundred meters of terrain, with communicators and a tracker at the ankle.” She waved a hand around as she cited her conditions, and once again, Cath didn’t protest them. It would probably the best she would get, despite the fact she wanted to protest the communicators and trackers. She had seen enough trackers for a lifetime, truly. “Anything else?”

“I want Gabe around with me during all of this,” She continued quickly enough. That, she had added when she had sat at the table and thought as she wrote down her list. He was her best friend, and she already knew that if she hadn’t put him on the list, he would have found a way to stay around while she did… whatever the Mockingjay had to do. She knew it.

“And what are we supposed to present him as? There are a lot of possibilities here-”

“Ally, cousin, brother, whatever works, as long as it’s a friend or family.” She cut Emma off, and her expression didn’t change when Emma frowned at her. Not a lot of people bothered to cut off the President, or just anyone who was above them in ranks. She was probably one of the only people stubborn enough to go against her orders, to treat them as if she was just anyone else. Someone with ranking, granted, but still. 

“You two don’t even look alike, how are we supposed to make you two pass off as family-” Someone protested, probably someone else who was in charge of creating propaganda and other such things. Someone who was useful in this war, anyway. Anyone who was here currently was, in one way or another.

“It hasn’t stopped you before has it?” Cath stubbornly continued. There was no way in hell she was doing this alone. “And as I fucking said, there is the friend option if you can’t draw on the family aspect-”

“Cousin works just fine,” Emma butt in once again, and continued calmly. “Are you done?”

“When the war is over…” She began slowly and took a break as if weighing her words. She wasn’t looking forward to the reaction she would get from this, she wasn’t looking forward to the screaming that would eventually ensue. Everyone was looking at her, some frowning as if they were worried she was relapsing, seeing things that weren’t there. But it wasn’t the case, and she cleared her throat, before starting over. “When the war is over, I want Lukas to be given a pardon. I want him safe, along with all the other victors taken, Amy and Enobaria.”

The screaming began seconds after. She closed her eyes tightly as she listened to it, each nasty word thrown either at her or her friend, each protest they had. Her hands were clasped tightly on top of the list now, and she was certain her knuckles were white from how tightly she was holding them, trying to keep herself from fucking snapping at them all and tell them to shut up as she had done when his interview passed on the TV screen. This wouldn’t help her, this wouldn’t help her to get this one additional thing.

“No.” Emma said simply, and Cath only smiled, though it was… very much angry.

“Yes. It’s not their damn fault if you abandoned them in the arena, is it?” She snorted, before continuing, keeping her voice as calm as she could, though she knew there was some anger in there. It slipped through no matter what she did. “Who knows what the fuck the Capitol is doing to them right now?”

“They’ll be judged with the other war criminals and treated as they would be usually in such circumstances.”

“They’ll be given full immunity!” She finally snapped, her voice filled with frustration as she slammed her hands on the table and leaned forward. She was shaking a little, though she didn’t know if that was caused by the damage caused by the acid or just from how angry she was. Most likely both. “You’ll announce it in front of the entirety of District Thirteen, along with the survivors of District Twelve, today! I want it recorded so you can’t deny it happening. You and your _stupid fucking government_ will take care of their security, or you can forget me as your Mockingjay!”

“That’s it. That’s what we need,” Fulvia whispered to Michael, her eyes shining with excitement. “Without the swears of course, though if we add guns in the background, smoke… and her costume!”

“Yes… yes that’s what we need,” Michael agreed softly. Cath’s hands curled up in fists on top of the table after that, her nails digging in her palm as she stopped herself from turning to glare at them. She had to keep her eyes on Emma, she wanted her point to get across. “What do you say, President? Mercy… Lukas is just eighteen.”

“Fine.” Emma agreed reluctantly, and she kept her eyes narrowed on Cath, as if warning her of something. “But you better play your role well.”

“As long as you make the fucking announcement,” She insisted.

“Call a national security meeting tonight during free time,” She commanded to the nearest guards, before turning back to look at Catherine. “I’ll make the declaration then. Anything else on your list of yours, Catherine?”

“...Yes, yes. One last thing.” She cleared her throat and pushed on the paper, removing some of the wrinkles to be able to read the last line. “I want to be the one to kill Snow.”

“I’ll flip a coin with you then.” Emma answered simply, and she supposed that was fair. She wasn’t the only one who wished to kill Snow. She knew there were plenty of people he had hurt, and she wasn’t the only one, despite all the pain he had caused her, her family, and her friends. 

Emma left soon after that once she looked at her watch, claiming she had more important places to be. Well, she hadn’t exactly said that, but Cath assumed that was the case. She sat back down in her seat after that, though she didn’t get much of a rest time as Fluvia immediately began rambling, about things she was barely able to keep track of. She was too busy thinking about the fact this had worked, she had gotten everything she wanted on that list. She really should wake up Marcus more often for thoughts, he had been right that they would give her everything she wanted, if only for the fact she took up the role of the Mockingjay.

Eventually, she was given a small notebook, black leather covering it. There were some familiar patterns carved into it, and she frowned as she passed her fingers over them. Where had she seen those? She eventually shook her head and simply opened it, and her eyes widened in shock at the drawings that she saw on the paper. 

“Fritz.” She whispered as she looked over everything on the drawing. The helmet, the way the chestplate had been drawn, the sleeves a little bit poofy, but not too much… all those things drawn in something that was still practical for combat revealed the work of her former stylist. Their pen transformed her into a Mockingjay again, and she couldn’t be more glad that they had been the one to design what would probably be her future costume.

“They made me promise not to show you this until you had taken your decision,” Michael explained, though he scowled a bit. It was obvious he would have liked to show her this earlier, if only to make her take up the role earlier on so that they could have begun working right away. But obviously, he hadn’t. Though he eventually schooled his features back to normal, and sighed. “Go on. Look.”

She flipped through the pages quickly enough, passing her fingers over each of the drawings. Fritz truly had taken their time into designing this, making sure each detail was taken into account. It sounded like them, and she already loved every little thing, every little detail only they could have thought about from knowing her. Then she reached the message they had left, the one where they said they were once again betting on, despite the fact they were not there anymore, and would never be again.

“When did they design this?” She asked, trying to talk through the knot in her throat.

“Sometime after the announcement of the Quell, maybe a few weeks before the start of the Games,” Fluvia was the one to answer, staying close to Michael, though she did take a few steps towards her. She looked at the man beside her before looking back at Cath, smiling a little bit. “A few weeks before the Games, maybe? There’s not only the sketches. We have the costumes, and… Jessica prepared something for you back in the armory. I’m not telling you any more than that, I want you to discover it for yourself.”

She closed the sketchbook after that, and held it tightly in her hands, as she smiled. A hesitant smile, but one nonetheless.

Fritz had prepared this for her, and now Jessica had too, apparently.

She supposed being the Mockingjay wouldn’t be too bad, then.


	5. Part Five

She could still smell the urine, blood, and sweat while deep in the forest.

It was a smell that was determined on following her so it seemed, the set of memories following along with it. She had escaped to the forest quickly enough after finding Venia, Flavius, and Octavia, her anger making her heart pump hard in her chest and setting fire to the blood in her veins. She could remember seeing red, and she supposed that the fact she had escaped all alone in the forest had been one of her smarter ideas. She knew she had asked she could bring someone with her in the forest while hunting but…

She was so fucking pissed off, she didn’t know what would happen if she brought Marcus or Violet with her.

So much for her initial happiness at seeing Fritz's work.

She knew Marcus and Violet could take care of themselves now, especially considering they had gone through as much stuff as she had and they just as much baggage as she, but she still would rather not have them with her when she was in this state. She was terrified of what would happen if she snapped. She did not want to hurt them, whether it was physically or emotionally. She was a pure mess. A horrible, disgusting mess. She supposed she shared that with her preparation team, though their mess was more physical than mental and emotional.

Because while, yes, they were people from the Capitol, and people from there were… less than savory, they were good enough people in her mind. Annoying to no end sometimes, and had a nasty tendency to want to push their fashion on her when they were preparing her, but they were good enough people. They had grown attached to her, and she had grown attached to them, even though it had been reluctant. So, seeing them chained and hurt had set a flame of anger in her, a dangerous one that she knew she had to control by herself otherwise it would consume everything in its path. She hated it, but she knew she had to control it.

So she ran through the forest, her feet pounding the earth and making her feel as if she could shake it if she wished to. She ran and ran, uncaring of the branches she broke on her way and the sound she caused, she just needed to _let it out._ Let it all out, hunt, and pour everything she had into what she did until she was bone-deep exhausted. Arrow after arrow flew through the air, and she didn’t know how much she had hunted until she allowed herself to sit down with her catch filling up the bag they had given her to bring it all back. It was a huge bag, and it definitely wasn’t all that full, but she knew she had hunted enough so that they would probably have some for the meal that night.

She sat against one of the trees, and while watching the sun and clouds in the sky, she allowed whatever emotions she had left to consume her, slowly. Anger was one of the only things she really felt anymore since she had gotten here. There was the usual sadness, and often enough numbness, but… it was about it. The only times she truly felt happy anymore was when she was with her family, and even then it was hard to considering they only had thirty minutes of free time and meals anymore. A change from back home.

It was exhausting.

She was exhausted.

She missed her home, she missed the time before when everything was still… somewhat okay. She missed the time when her twin siblings were still alive, she missed the time when Gabe hadn’t gone into the Games, and she missed the time when she hadn’t volunteered for her own. She was exhausted, and her heart ached for those times, and she knew she would never get them again. She knew that people would just tell her she had to move on, and it’s not like she didn’t try, but everything was just so bad… she just wished she could go back. For a day. Just one where she wouldn’t be stuck in this hell, stuck underground and waiting for whatever horror to strike next.

But obviously, she wouldn’t get it.

She watched the sun in the sky for a little longer, before she sighed and got up, her anger only but an ache in her chest anymore as guilt from her outburst slowly crept in. She had to get back, and she didn’t know how long she had been out there. It wouldn’t surprise her if it had been about an hour, however, and she knew that it would take about this much time to get back. She would rather not have her privilege taken from her on the first day, so she gathered her things and began the slow walk back. She took the exact same path she had pretty much carved for herself, too tired to try and find an actual path. 

She gave her weapons to the guards when she finally arrived, and at their slight squinting at her, she knew she had exceeded the time by a minute or two, though she doubted they would call her out for it considering the amount of meat she was bringing back, which assured they would have some in their meal tonight. So they just nodded at her as she went back inside, and she sighed in relief that she hadn’t even gotten a warning. She made her way to the cafeteria and gave her catch to Sae Boui-Boui, who despite her grumbles, was apparently grateful she finally had actual meat she could work with now.

She made her way back to their compartment and bit at her lip. She was tempted to go down to see Jess, but if she looked at her schedule, free time was not for a while still. And she had been warned that privilege would be taken away from her if she went when she wasn’t supposed to. She didn’t want that one in particular taken away, so she just rubbed at her eyes and threw herself on her bed for a nap instead. She was exhausted from her little run in the forest, and the emotions that had made her a mess.

She hadn’t even felt herself fall asleep.

“...Cath?” Marcus was the one to wake her up, shaking her shoulder. He was uncomfortably close to her face, and he only laughed when she pushed him away in shock, not taking her reaction personally in any way. He would have had the same reaction, she knew it. “They’ve been announcing a meeting all day.”

“Let me guess, we’ve got to go?” She answered, rubbing at her eyes. She obviously knew what the meeting would be, and honestly, she didn’t mind attending if only to make sure that Emma was following her word and saying the right things.

“Yeah. Unless you’re stuck at work, but we’re not so-” Marcus shrugged, before going for the door and making sure Cath was following him before continuing down the hall and on their way to the room where the meeting would take place. “Where were you by the way?”

“Out.” She shrugged. “Went hunting.”

“And you went without me?”

“You were in class still,” She argued, raising an eyebrow. That wasn’t the whole reason and she knew that he knew, but she really did not wish to explain to him that she had pretty much snapped and she hadn’t wanted to bring him with her. She didn’t want to explain that she went alone so that she couldn’t possibly hurt him, emotionally or physically. But he seemed to have caught on, and simply rolled his eyes.

“You better let me come next time.” He grumbled, and Cath only grinned in response before they made their way inside the room where the meeting would take place.

The place was huge, obviously built so that a huge number of people could attend all at once. She doubted it was the biggest room in District Thirteen, but at the moment, it certainly felt like it as she watched groups of people all slowly make their way inside with a chatter, causing the sound to echo around the room. It was loud, and she seriously wanted to back out of it, but she pushed through. She continued making her way inside with her brother, staying as close to him as she could.

“Can you see Dad anywhere?” She asked, trying to look around but considering she was… fairly small, it was hard to see with a bunch of people taller than herself all cramped around her.

“Over there.” Her brother pointed out, and he did his best to drag her over.

Her father was ahead of a group of patients, who were all draped into their hospital gowns still. It was obvious it was the few people who could walk and were stable enough they could come in public, and she pressed her lips as she looked through the crowd. Mrs. Rivera wasn’t there, and Cath assumed it was because the woman had another pass of amnesia, refusing for it to be anything else. She continued scanning the crowd until she spotted James. He seemed to be… somewhere else, mentally, as his fingers played with a small bit of rope, making knots and unmaking them as he went on. It wasn’t an unusual sight for him, and she supposed she preferred seeing him here than stuck in bed.

“Hey, James,” She greeted softly, watching Marcus go to her father out of the corner of her eye before bringing them back on James. He wasn’t even looking at her, having apparently not noticed she was there. She cleared her throat and nudged him a little, before trying again. “Hey. James. You doing okay?”

That made him snap out of it.

“Cath!” He greeted with a smile, before he reached for her hand, squeezing it a bit as he looked around, still very much confused. It seemed her hadn’t registered the walk at all, simply followed as he had been told, and if he had been aware of why they were coming here before, he had probably forgotten it. But it was fine. It could.... it could be much worse. “Why- why is everyone gathering out here? Did something happen?”

“I told Emma I’d accept to be the Mockingjay,” She explained, with a shrug. James seemed to frown for a moment, as if worried, though it quickly disappeared. She didn’t bother asking him about it, just continued explaining as if nothing happened. “I made her promise to grant immunity to the other victors, after the war, if we ever win. I asked her to make it public.”

“Oh. Oh, that’s good then,” He let her hand go, and went back to playing with the rope absent-mindedly. “I’m worried for Tammy. And Ella. I don’t know if they’ll ever say something that could be taken as treason, and I don’t want anything to happen to them…”

Ah shit. His sisters. She had forgotten about them. She bit her lip, feeling a little bit guilty that she had. 

“I’ll take care of it, I’ll be right back” She pat his shoulder a bit, before quickly making her way through the crowd, pushing person after person away from her so that she could make her way to the stage. Emma, who was standing there, reading over notes, looked up quickly enough when she neared her. She could see the list of names written on there, of the people who she had asked would be granted immunity to. “I need Tamara and Ella Wheeler added to the list.”

“...Who is that?” Emma asked, frowning a little bit. Cath doubted she didn’t know who she was, but might as well be safe.

“James’s sisters. They took them as hostages after the arena exploded.” She explained quickly, waving her hand around as she did so.

“Oh. Them.” She sighed and noted them down, apparently not in the mood to argue with her new Mockingjay. She looked back to Cath after that, raising an eyebrow. “Do you want to be at my side while I make the announcement?”

Cath shook her head and Emma just snorted.

“I figured. Go back into the crowd, soldier.”

As she did so, she heard the beginning of Emma’s speech. Claiming that she had accepted to become the Mockingjay, and the conditions that came with it. She wasn’t even surprised that there were whispers going around after this, the list of names of the people that would be granted safety recited for everyone to hear. She could feel the glares in her back, but it’s not like she cared. The only thing she cared about, however, was Emma’s last claim.

The fact that apparently, Cath was supposed to devote herself body and soul to their little rebellion, or otherwise, this privilege, would too, be revoked.

So, she couldn’t fuck up.

Hurray.


	6. Part Six

The crows had lost their usual spark, and she supposed she shouldn’t have been surprised.

Flavius, Venia, and Octavia had come around the next day with the excuse they needed to give her a beauty, the same treatment they had given her during her preparation for the Chariots, and she assumed it was Fritz’s idea considering anything else would have driven her crazy. The preparation still nearly drove her crazy since the crows did not act as they usually did, and made everything less enjoyable than it was normally. Though she couldn’t exactly blame them, considering what they had been through. She would have acted the same way they had, she would have acted just as scared as they had been. Though Venia had been the strongest out of the three, once again.

They had done her hair, her nails, her makeup… and they had asked help as to what to do regarding the massive scar on her arm. Michael had found it disgusting, commenting about how they definitely needed to hide it somehow, and it had hurt her, because, well… she was used to being proud of her scars. She was used to not hiding them, she was used to not bothering about being scared of what people thought of them. So the fact that they had decided they needed to hide it? It felt horrible. Sure, it wasn’t the prettiest, but it wasn’t _disgusting._

They still stuck a bandage on that, though, and decided it was the best they could do.

Despite the uncomfortable feeling that had been getting prepared, she was somewhat looking forward to what came next. She had gone through lunch as planned, but after that… she was being dragged to Special Defense. She was on her way to seeing Jess, and to see what her quote unquote ‘surprise’ was. Considering they were going down there, she assumed it was some sort of weapon, something that would go along with the persona and character that was the Mockingjay- because it wasn’t her, or at least, not completely. They wanted her to play the girl desperate to end the war, get her fiancé back and avenge her dead unborn child. Which, that wasn’t her. She wanted to end the war, yes, but the rest… it wasn’t her. Still, despite that, she was excited to see what Jess had prepared.

But nervousness was also present, making her heart pound hard in her chest.

She stood in the elevator, all alone, watching the numbers change on the little screen as she bit her lip nervously. She hadn’t seen the girl or talked to her since the hospital considering she had been out for the count, and the moment she had been doing better she had been wheeled away. Cath, in her case, had also been asleep most of the time, trying to recover despite the nightmares that plagued her and changed the world around her when she woke up. So, she didn’t know where they stood. She didn’t know if things would be _different._ Well, of course they would be, considering they weren’t in the arena anymore, but she just hoped it hadn’t changed _too much._

When she stepped out of it, she looked around the room, blinking a little at well… everything. There were so many things in there, computers upon computers, a few laboratories, along with places to research materials and conduct tests. It was a dream for researchers or scientists, and she supposed she understood now why so many of those with interests in science spent most of their time down there. She was looking around when someone approached her, frowning. She didn’t know if they were a guard or not, their outfit carefully neutral.

“Can I help you?”

“I’m here to see Jessica Flores.”

The person nodded at her and motioned for her to follow them, and she was guided through the maze that was the Special Defense until they reached a large bay window that gave onto an artificial forest. The thing mimicked a small clearing, trees upon trees and various flower bushes making everything… feel real. There were small colorful birds flying around, and in the middle of this was Jessica, sitting in a wheelchair and watching a small bird drink from a bright orange flower. When said bird flew away at full speed, the girl followed it before her gaze ended up on her. She waved with a bright smile and motioned for her to come inside.

“Aren’t they beautiful?” Jess exclaimed, smiling brightly at Cath. The girl’s bright blue eyes were sparkling with excitement as she watched the hummingbirds fly around them. She still looked like a woman who was recovering, but aside from that… she looked okay. A relief, truly, seeing she was feeling enough guilt as it was from not being there to help her when she got attacked back in the arena, she didn’t want to add more to it from her having difficulty recovering. “I would have made a pair of wings for you, but I doubt they would have let me.”

“I would have had trouble using them, anyway. I think you’d be doing better with them,” She joked, before grinning. A genuine one. She had been smiling more in the past few days than she had been since she had gotten here. Not that she was complaining, she supposed. She preferred smiling over crying. Or staring into space. “It’s good to see you. I would have found a way to be over here sooner, but, well…”

“I know. At least, from what I’ve heard, you’ll be able to be here more often now… or at least, over to my compartment,” She smiled right back, before turning to look over at the birds. “I tried to get news from you, you know. They wouldn’t tell me anything. Something about how I had to concentrate on the work I had and not… friends, or relationships. I only saw you during meals, and even then it didn’t tell me _how_ you were doing, even if you looked somewhat physically okay.”

“I’ve been… drifting, to be honest. Trying to adjust through everything,” She added quickly at the end, trying not to worry Jess too much. It was odd they refused to tell her anything with that excuse, and it definitely made her bitter. She knew that she had been worried too, after all, seeing the person you liked so much it hurt being in a wheelchair would do this to anyone. “And the recent revelation with Lukas is fucking throwing me into a loop.”

“Yeah… yeah, I saw that on TV,” The freckled girl frowned, and she went to take one of Cath’s hands, squeezing it lightly in reassurance. “I tried to get Beetee to reach out to you after that. He wasn’t able to either, but… he’ll be fine, Cath. We’ll find a solution. If he’s playing it safe as he has been so far, he should be fine. It’s only a matter of if he’ll keep it that way, though…”

“Yeah, he’s not the type to,” She snorted, but she squeezed the hand back lightly. “I just don’t want him to fucking die, Jess.”

They stayed silent for a little while after that, and Cath knew there were words upon words that Jess wanted to say that she kept to herself. She didn’t know why she was keeping them to herself, but… still. The silence was nice. After a little while, however, Cath eventually decided to ask the one question that she kept in the back of her mind.

“Why are you in a wheelchair?” She knew the question could have been asked a little more… tactfully, but she didn’t have any right now. 

“I… have to work on being able to walk again. I get tired really quickly, still. Though I’m making progress, and I should be able to ditch this thing soon enough,” Jess explained and sighed as she let the hand drop. She began moving her wheelchair out of the clearing after that, and Cath quickly began following her, trying to keep pace. That wheelchair was _ridiculously_ fast. “Apparently, though, having to relearn how to walk hasn’t stopped them from dumping projects upon projects on Beetee and me. He was supposed to be the one to make your new bow, but I talked him into letting me do it. I’ve made sure you’d love it.”

“You made me a new _bow?_ ”

“Yes, to fit your Mockingjay persona. It is also something else people know you for, so…” She explained, with a shrug. “I’ve also been working on a new Trident for James if he ever begins being in propaganda too… if he even wants to. How has he been doing?”

“Memory problems, still. Concentration too, though I suppose that makes sense.”

“Memory problems, uh?” Jess hummed a little, before nodding. “Whenever you see him again, tell him about the trident. it should cheer him up.”

They went through a long corridor before they reached a door that read ‘special armory’. The place is guarded by four guards. She could give it to these guys, they certainly were dedicated to their jobs, as they made sure to look at their schedules, before taking their fingerprints, along with the ones for their eyes. They then took some ADN before letting them go through the metal detector. It was certainly a lot of security for one armory, and it didn’t make sense to her why Jess had to change wheelchair to go into one armory, but here they were.

At least all of this was worth it, she decided, when they entered it.

It was… impressive. The place was massive, filled with so many military-grade weapons that she should be seriously concerned. It certainly explained the guards at the entrance, but even then, it made her curious as to if there had been an incident before. Because this many weapons in one place… who knew what it would bring.

“Feel free to look around,” Jess said with a slight grin, having obviously caught her expression at the sight of the place, before rolling away and towards another door. She entered some sort of code and it opened, and she rolled inside it. “I’ll be right back!”

Cath stood there for a few seconds before she decided to look around. There were so many things that she didn’t know how to use, so many things that she couldn’t help but think that it was… _impressive_ that some people here knew how to use them. Her eyes caught some bows, and she approached them, taking one in her hands. It was too heavy, much too heavy for her taste. The thing was covered in small gadgets, and she seriously wondered what all of these did, though she did not wish to try it out. She put it back when the door opened again, and she came back to the spot she had originally been in when they had entered, watching the woman roll towards her.

Cath took the present in her hands, and she blushed a little when Jess laughed. She supposed she should have been looking especially excited. Not that you could blame her. She was being given a bow by someone she cared about _so much._ She opened the black box and she smiled widely at the sleek black thing that rested inside the case. She already liked it much better than the one that had been charged with gadgets. The thing looked like small wings, and she supposed Jess had found her way to give her wings, even if it was as a weapon. It was beautiful, and as she lifted it in her hands, she realized… it was vibrating. Why was it vibrating?

“What- what is it doing?” She asked softly, and she blinked when she realized the vibration had gotten a little more intense.

“It’s saying hello,” Jess grinned, and laughed at Cath’s confusion. Though it was more in amusement at knowing that her answer wasn’t what she had expected than mockery. “It’s reacting to your voice. And before you ask, yes, only yours.”

“I could kiss you,” She declared, still smiling wide at what she held in her hands. This was- this was great. She supposed it was a little ridiculous that a bow out of all things was making her this happy, but it was, and she felt no shame towards that fact. It certainly helped that Jess had been the one to make it.

“Keep it for later,” Jess answered with a wink, before rolling away. “Come on. There are more things that come with it.”

Sure enough, more things had come with it. A set of arrows that she had been given the chance to try out. There were ones that were sharper, there were some that set things on fire, and some that could set explosions once they hit their target. Each was distinguishable by the color on the end of it, and there were even compartments that would allow her to not mix them up and take them as she wished. They would be useful, she knew it. She had to leave after that, however, so that they could begin the shooting of the propaganda, and while she was disappointed she had to leave Jess… that small quick kiss at the end in thanks had certainly made it worth it.

She sat through the makeup session patiently, though she did drum her fingers on her thigh as she was told what her text would be. It was simple, a small line that she simply had to say. She supposed it was a start, only to announce that she was still alive and on which side she stood, but she still had expected more. She would take it, however. After the makeup was done, she had to put the costume back on, and she was given her bow and the quiver filled with regular arrows- because there was no way she was walking around with explosive ones.

Then, came the shooting.

She stared at the camera, for a long time, watching the smoke move around her. She didn’t know what they were waiting for, but when the words that declared the beginning of the shooting rang in her ears, it took her off guard. She still did what she could, however, and lifted her bow high above her head, before gathering all the anger she could in her voice and shouting her line.

“People of Panem, have courage, and fight for the triumph of justice!”

Silence.

A long, _long_ silence.

Then finally…

“And this, everyone, is how a revolution dies!”

**Gabe.**


	7. Part Seven

Gabe was sitting in front of her, at the Commands’ room table. The only sound behind them at the moment was the buzzing of the various computers, one that was always present in District Thirteen as far as she could tell. She hadn’t had the chance to talk to him since his dramatic entrance that morning, having escaped the bubbling embarrassment in her chest by running out. There had been a healthy amount of irritation in there, at the implication that she alone could ruin a revolution. Though after a few hours, it had faded away. She had spent the rest of the day thinking about what she could say, and apparently, only now did she have the chance to. But nothing came. Absolutely nothing came. Nothing that she had thought about during that free time, anyway.

“You look like shit.” She declared, the words tumbling out of her mouth without her thinking about it. It was the truth, after all, she had thought it when she had watched him do his little stunt during the meeting to get her out onto the field, but she hadn’t wanted those words to be the first one she said. He looked a little bit yellow, and it looked like he had lost some weight, but she supposed it came with having to work on his alcoholism. 

“Wow, thanks Cath.” He answered with a laugh, though she didn’t know if it was bitter, sad, or just… amused. She supposed it was a mix of all. He probably knew he looked like shit, as she said, though he had probably hoped she wouldn’t point it out. “That’s really the first thing you say to me?”

“Trust me, I hadn’t fucking meant it to be,” She winced a little before shrugging. She drummed her fingers on the table for a moment, trying to think of a proper thing to say next, before she just gave up and sighed. “I’m just glad you’re out and all. Missed you.”

“Yeah. So am I.” He answered simply, before sighing. He looked… tired. So, so tired. She was worried, but… she doubted he wanted to talk about it or anything like that. “So, anything you want to say to me before we go out there?”

Did she have anything she wanted to say? Anything she needed to say? Yes, of course. There were so many things she wanted to say, to scream out. To get out of her system. But…

“No.” She replied simply, and looked at Gabe. She knew he had expected her to bring back the topic from when they were first on their way over to Thirteen, when she was still so fucking pissed and so, so tired from the arena. When she had expected to and wanted to die. She supposed most of the things that she had said, she didn’t mean anymore, but there was one that she knew hadn’t changed. Lukas should have been first. He would have probably done a better job than she had been doing so far at the Mockingjay thing. Or whatever else the title would have been. “You know everything already.”

“Yeah. I suppose I do.”

She had pressed her lips in a thin line after that answer, reached out across the table, and squeezed his hand before getting up and leaving. She needed to get prepared, and she was seriously looking forward to removing all the makeup that was caked on her face. She had never minded a light amount of it, but all that she had on… it certainly felt like she was dirty. So watching it go down the drain after washing it off, certainly felt better. Even if she looked a little sick and tired, it made her feel better. Removing the bandage on her arm, too. She was more like herself after that, not feeling like she was her old persona anymore.

Jessica helped her into her armor since she was supposed to go into an active battlezone- well, not really that active. There had been bombings in the morning and it had stopped since then, the armor was simply more of a precaution. She was supposed to make it seem as if she had been there, fighting, and it was also protection just in case something else did come around. Though she doubted she would have to do any fighting. She hoped so, anyway. She didn’t know how she would react to going back into a fight right now. She was recovering, yes, but recovery came with its lows. She just wished she wouldn’t freeze if anything was happening.

“Why the gas mask?” She asked, watching Jessica fix it to her belt. She didn’t know why she would need it, the bombs in Eight hadn’t contained any gas as far as they knew. But then again, she didn’t know a lot of things.

“It’s just in case. If you see people drop around you for no reason at all, put it on, okay?” She answered, before fixing the quiver on her back. The three compartments of it were filled with all of the arrows she would need. Jess reminded her quickly which were where, and she nodded as the freckled girl explained. Jess then moved back a little, and she looked at her with worry and a small smile. “You better be careful out there, you hear me?”

“I’ll try to be,” She assured, and at Jessica’s slight doubtful look, she just snorted. “I swear. I’ll be back in one piece.”

“Good,” Jessica answered, and took a small pause, before continuing. It was obvious she was joking just a little at the end. “I prefer you in one piece.”

She didn’t even have the time to get to the elevator with Boggs that James walked towards them, obviously distressed. He was still in his hospital gown, looking like he had left the hospital as soon as he had gotten the news.

“Cath, Cath-” He was panting a little and trying to catch his breath as he looked around, eyes unfocused as he played with the messy rope. There was no visible knot into it, rather a bunch of barely done ones. His hair was wild and he looked, well- like a man who had escaped the hospital. “They won’t let me come. I told them I was fine, but they won’t even let me board the hovercraft. I _have_ to come.”

She stared at him for a long time, unsure as to what to say, before looking towards Boggs, who was just as confused as she was. It was obvious neither of them knew what to say. There was no reasoning with him, and if they didn’t find a solution, she knew Boggs would most likely go by force. She didn’t want force used on James. Not when he was in this state. She chewed on her bottom lip as she thought, trying to find an idea as to what to tell him without hurting him or making him fall even deeper into his distressed state. Then… she had an idea.

“Oh, right!” She exclaimed, smacking her forehead as if she just remember. This could work. If she played it well, it could work. “Jessica had told me to tell you she got a new trident for you.”

“...Yeah?” James seemed to brighten a bit, the old him emerging out of the state he was in. The James she had known in the arena when everything was calmer, and during Training when he wasn’t set on being annoying. Though she supposed even she had gotten attached to that small annoying side of him, though she wouldn’t admit it to him. “What kind of trident?”

“No fucking clue,” She replied, and she shrugged. “But it looked a little bit like my bow. I think you’ll like it, but you’ll have to train with it and all.”

“Yeah. Yeah of course. I should go now, actually.”

“Yeah.” She replied, before clearing her throat. She didn’t know if he had noticed he was still in his hospital gown, but she would rather point it out to him than have him walk all the way to get his trident but being turned around, because, well… “Don’t you think you should go put on some damn pants on first, though?”

“Why?” He asked, before removing the gown and standing there in his fucking underwear. He most likely knew it was bothering some people, including Boggs. Her, in her case… she supposed she had seen worse. So she just smirked in pure amusement, trying to not let her chuckles slip out. “Does it bother you?”

“We both know I’m not into that, James.” She answered, finally letting her laughter through when he moved away. Well, that had gone a lot better than she had expected. She didn’t feel sorry for Boggs, however.

One thing she realized when they stood in that elevator, was that District Thirteen was a lot bigger than she remembered. The elevator could move up and down, but also forward and backward, making it a lot easier to move around the District without taking as much time. It made everything feel huge, and she certainly realized it was much, much bigger than she had also thought after the elevator reveal when they emerged into the hangar. The hangar was filled with planes, hovercrafts, and other smaller vehicles. She had never really realized how much stuff Thirteen had until now. It was… it was a lot.

Everyone was already inside the hovercraft when she boarded it. Gabe, Fulvia, Michael, and even her filming team. Fulvia had sighed a little at seeing the makeup was gone, but Cath certainly didn’t mind that it was gone. She felt better this way, and she knew it would probably be a little easier to perform without it if she needed to at all. She sat next to Gabe, which placed her right in front of Michael and his scarily white hair. She barely listened to them talk the whole time, simply answering and asking questions from time to time, up until she was given the pill. The one thing she hoped she wouldn’t have to use. She rolled it between her fingers for a moment before sliding it into its small pocket. 

She’d rather forget about it.

She inhaled sharply when the hovercraft took a little bit of speed when it neared District Eight, and she didn’t let the breath out until her two feet were on the ground. When everyone was out of the hovercraft, it was gone just as quickly, and she assumed it was normal since nobody reacted to it. She stood near Gabe, Boggs, and two other soldiers she didn’t recognize. The filming team was near, composed of two men from the Capitol, along with Cressida and her young assistant Messalla. They looked… nice enough despite the fact that it was obvious they were from the Capitol. Boggs made them move soon enough after their landing, making them walk towards multiple warehouses, and she looked behind her when another hovercraft appeared to come to dump what was obviously medical supplies, and a team of doctors- or at least, what she assumed were doctors.

The first thing she noticed when they reached an alley between two warehouses, was how many injured were coming in. So, so many. Some were laying on stretchers, pulled by two just as injured people, and some others were in improvised vehicles. In some cases, they were carried in, and it was… it was horrifying to see. There were so many people entering the warehouse with a messy ‘H’ painted on it. It made her think of when people were brought to her father, when they were still back home, in Twelve. It was not a memory she cherished, and she more than anything wanted to back out.

“I can’t do shit here,” She said, turning to Boggs. She sounded scared, and she hated that she did. But it was the truth. She was scared. “I’m no good.”

“You’ll be fine,” Boggs assured, taking her by the shoulders and shaking her a little. She blinked in surprise as she was stared down by the gorilla of a man. “Just pass between the ranks. Talk to people. For some of them, just seeing you will make them feel better.”

She was about to argue with that answer of his when a woman who was in charge of guiding the injured inside saw them and made her way over. Her brown eyes were filled with tiredness, and the bandage that she had on the neck should have been changed days ago. Her gun was slung over her shoulder, and as she passed, she ordered the doctors inside. They followed the orders without a word.

She listened to the introduction, and she frowned at the small accusation that had been in Paylor’s voice when she asked if she was alive. She hadn’t expected it, and her answer sounded more like a retort than she had wished it to be. Boggs said some things, Gabe said some things, and then….

And then came the moment where she needed to go inside.


	8. Part Eight

It was scarily dark inside the warehouse-turned-hospital.

There was some light coming in from the opened skylights, but it was far from enough. Everything remained dark, and she knew that she preferred it this way. Everything was horrifying enough as it was, as she was assaulted by her every sense. The smell made her sick, it was so strong it was as if she could taste it. There were flies buzzing in her ears, and through that, there was the whining and crying of the sick and the dying. Her hands felt clammy as she clenched and unclenched them, trying to gather the courage to go through the curtain and between the ranks.

She knew she had asked Gabe to stay close, if only because she was scared, but at seeing Paylor standing there, watching, waiting to see what she was made of… she straightened, took a deep breath despite the urge to gag, and moved inside between the beds. She was aware that she was shaking a little, and when someone reached out and grabbed her hand, she clung to it as if she would drown if she let go.

“Catherine?” The girl called out, squeezing the hand that she was now holding. She had an injured leg, and the bloody bandage that covered it desperately needed to be changed. Flies covered it, and as Cath looked up from it and at the woman, one thing she noticed was how in pain she seemed to be. But there was something else, in her expression. Something she couldn’t put a finger on. “Catherine, is that you?”

Joy. It was joy, that the girl felt. That, along with hope. 

“Yeah, yeah it’s me,” She answered, trying to keep her voice as calm as she could despite how sick she felt still. She swallowed hard and managed a weak smile, however. “It’s me.”

“You’re alive… I can’t believe it,” The woman laughed, smiling brightly. “We weren’t sure. People were saying that you were, but… but we didn’t know what to believe.”

“Yeah, well… I am,” She shrugged, as she crouched there, next to the bed. The fact that apparently, no word of her condition had left Thirteen, to the rebels, to the people who were fighting… she supposed she shouldn’t be surprised. Apparently, words and communication weren’t Thirteen’s force, was it? At least she supposed these people knew now. They would know, anyway. “I’m not gonna be fucking shot down easily, yeah? I took a hit but… I’m right back up. You will be, too.”

“Yeah… Yeah, I hope so,” The girl laughed, though it didn’t sound as hopeful as it had been before. She stayed silent for a second, before brightening again. She lifted herself a little bit on her bed and looked around for a bed a little farther down the line. “I have to tell my brother- Eddy! Eddy, she’s here, it’s Catherine Harrison!”

The kid’s head snapped towards her, and she blinked a little at seeing half of the kid’s face bandaged. She got up and approached carefully, sitting next to the boy and moving the few strands of black hair out of his one unbandaged eye. The kid was so young, so, so young, and… he shouldn’t have been hurt by the Capitol. The sudden wave of anger squeezed at her heart, but she still smiled at the kid, who kept staring and staring, as if he couldn’t believe that she was right there.

“You got a brave sister,” She said simply, keeping her voice low. She could hear her name being whispered behind her, circulating through the small hospital. As usual, it was a spark, lighting up smiles and other such things. Though she couldn’t see it for herself. Not at the moment. The kid still wasn’t responding to her, and as much as she wanted to sigh, she just continued talking. “Take good care of each other. You’ll be fine, okay?”

Finally, the kid nodded as she got back up, and she began moving between more and more beds after. She never really stayed long, instead simply shaking hands, touching whatever body parts she could in reassurance when the people couldn’t move, saying simple things that meant so much and nothing at the same time. There were so many people, so many injured, yet they looked… so happy. Just because she was there. It was odd, so odd. She was used to being disliked, or just put up with, so the fact that all of these people were breathed hope and life back into just because of _her_ … was odd.

When they began asking about Lukas, however, and talking about how they knew he had been saying these things because he had to… it was reassuring, that they hadn’t given up on him. That they hadn’t given up on him as quickly as many people in Thirteen had done. She supposed it was different to these people, after all, they had watched them go through the Games, they had watched their Interviews… they knew them, or at least the persona they had shown. She had to put that mask up a few times, when she had to act heartbroken that she had lost a baby she never had in the first place, but other than that… it wasn’t too bad to be here.

She took a deep breathe, when she left the warehouse officially, after saying a final goodbye to everyone. She had been offered a water bottle and she took it gratefully, smiling weakly at Boggs when he had said she had apparently done well. She listened as Cressida and Messalla talked with Boggs, about how they had some things they could work with… she had completely forgotten she had been filmed. She supposed it was better this way. It was always easier to act like yourself when you didn’t know there was something tracking your every moment, and she supposed she had given more things for them to work with this way. She just hoped she wouldn’t be filmed again any time soon.

“Surprised to see you didn’t run out at the first person touching you,” Gabe commented as he stood next to her, keeping his voice quiet as the other kept talking. His tone was joking, though… he did sound a little bit surprised. Not that she blamed him. Having so many people touching you at once when you were a Victor… was a trigger for many, or at least, they did not like it at all. 

“Oh fuck off,” She snorted, before punching him on the shoulder lightly enough that it shouldn’t hurt. With all the armor, anyway, she doubted he felt it at all. “It wasn’t that bad.”

“I’m sure,” He answered, smirking a little. It was good to see him out, truly. Their little discussion back in Commands may have been a little bit… tense, considering it had been the first time they were properly talking since they had reached Thirteen, but it seemed that since then he had already defrosted a little, and so had she. She would take it. “Your dad will be proud, anyway.”

“Yeah, maybe, but I think he’ll be more concerned about the state of the goddamn hospital,” She sighed out. It was true, though. She may not know a lot about healing, and wounds, or whatever, but she knew enough to stay alive and that hospital was certainly a dangerous ground for sickness to take over and wipe everyone out on the inside. With that thought in mind, she turned to Boggs, frowning. “Is it like that everywhere?”

“Yeah, there are raids everywhere,” Boggs answered, still as serious as always. “We’re trying to help how we can, but it’s not enough.”

He stopped for a moment, hand going for the tiny earbud, and listening in. Gabe did the same, though she was hearing… nothing from hers. Absolutely nothing. She didn’t know if it was because hers was defective, or if it was just because Michael was speaking to everyone besides her. It irritated her a little, but she waited and raised an eyebrow at Boggs when he took his hand off it.

“We have to go back to the landing site,” Boggs declared, giving her absolutely no hint as to what had been said. “We got a problem.”

“Okay, but what damn kind of problem?” She asked, a little bit frustrated as she began following along with Boggs, Gabe and everyone else not too far behind.

“Bombers are coming in,” Gabe was the one to answer when Boggs did not, the man being apparently too busy with finding them a safe path to bring them back. He flipped her helmet on soon after that, and sped up his walk a little. “Come on, let’s not stick around.”

It didn’t stay calm for long, despite the original thought she had. The sky had been blue and clear for a moment, but then… then the alarms had begun blaring, ringing harshly in her ears. The hovercrafts then appeared in the sky, in their V formation. They were terrifying, for they all knew what they would bring. Bombs began raining down soon after that, and the breath of the explosions made her hit the wall of a warehouse harshly. There was a burning pain on the back of her right leg, and something hit her on the back, but as far as she knew, it didn’t go through her shirt.

She tried getting back up soon after that, but Boggs only pinned her down on the ground again. She could feel the ground shake with each bomb that hit and exploded, and she hated it. She was terrified, she was angry, and she hated it. She was still pinned to the ground when a voice rang through her earbud. Michael.

“Catherine? Catherine, can you hear me?” His voice was deadly calm, and she assumed it came with having been a High Judge, a Gamemaker. You had to be cold and detached during these things, and as much as she disliked it, it was reassuring to have someone not panicking on the other end. 

“Yeah. Yeah, I’m hearing you!”

“Okay, listen. We are not able to land right now, we’ll have to wait for when the bombing is over,” Michael began, and she listened carefully, closing her eyes when an especially bad tremor went through the earth following the landing of one of the bombs. That one must have been closer than they thought. “You can’t make yourself be seen.”

“Okay. Okay, yeah.” She answered. That last request was odd, but she assumed they didn’t know she was here. Which, was good she supposed. It at least meant that the attack wasn’t because of her. It didn’t make any less bad, but… it meant that thing had been strategized for a while.

“There’s a sky blue warehouse not that far away, three blocks away or so. There’s a bunker there, do you think you can make it?”

“We can try,” Boggs answered for them all, and as they got up, they heard Michael’s warning that they only had but a few seconds before the next round of bombings. Only a few seconds. They could make it if they sprinted.

Everyone was around her as they sprinted, keeping their pace along with her to cover her front, behind, and sides. The pain on the back of her leg was bad as she ran, but she gritted her teeth and ignored it as she kept running, the ground shaking again from time to time. They passed by a dusty brown warehouse, and then… then she saw the sky blue warehouse right in front of them. It was not too far away, they needed to go through only one more alley when the second wave of explosions began. She dived into the alley, rolled near the blue wall of a warehouse and Gabe got in soon after with her.

“You’re good?” He asked, frowning as they stayed there, the bombs still falling. Obviously, she wasn’t okay, who would be during a fucking bombing? Her back leg was hurting like a bitch, and she really wanted to look, but besides that…

“Yeah. Yeah, I’m fine.” She assured and chewed on her lip as she thought. Now, here was the thing. There was a bombing, and it had most likely been planned, considering it wasn’t because of her. Or at least, she thought it wasn’t because of her. If she had to stay hidden… yeah. “...What do you think they’re going for? They’re not here for me, that much is fucking obvious.”

“I don’t know,” He answered, and he looked about just as confused as she felt. “They’re going for something else, but…”

“You got no clue.” She sighed. It didn’t make sense why they were doing a second bombing, then. Everything else back there was pretty much ruined, outside of… Her eyes widened in horror. “They’re going for the hospital.”

“Not our problem,” Michael said in her earbud, voice still as cold as before. Never mind. She didn’t appreciate the calmness anymore. “Keep running to get to the bunker, Catherine. You better not even think about going back-”

She removed the earbud from her ear, irritation coursing through her. Without it in her ear, she was able to hear things more clearly. There was the sound of guns being fired from the top of what looked like the brown warehouse, and… she looked over there, to the ladder near, and back at Gabe. She raised an eyebrow at him, silently asking if he would stop her, and he just sighed at what would probably be a bad idea. She sprinted towards the ladder after that and began climbing it. She could hear Boggs’s protests, and Gabe’s answers, as she reached the roof. She then looked back behind her and was surprised at seeing him there, too.

“So you’re coming with, uh?” She raised an eyebrow, grinning a little. She certainly wouldn’t mind. “I’m surprised you didn’t stay back.”

“Told Boggs I’d keep an eye on you,” He sighed and lifted himself on the roof with her. “Besides, you don’t give me much of a choice.”

She only snorted at his answer, before continuing her run towards the rank of guns, all actively shooting against the hovercrafts. Paylor only sighed at the sight of them, asked if they knew how to use the guns, and when she said no and showed her bow, she snapped out an answer at the disbelief look she got in return. Gabe had him, too, and they certainly were more dangerous than they looked. Jessica had made sure of that, with the arrows she had in her quiver.

They began with the fire arrows if only to make sure they wouldn’t explode anything with anyone in it. The hovercrafts then appeared again when that decision was taken, and with a small shout to do like with the geese back when they were still hunting back home, they got to work. She successfully hit one on the wing, making it light up on fire like a torch. Gabe closely missed the one in front, and his arrow hit the roof of a deserted warehouse, making it catch on fire. She could hear him cursing about it.

Then came the second wave of hovercrafts.

“Fire isn’t doing anything,” Gabe pointed out, and it was obvious what the thing they would have to use next would be. The explosive arrows, which would obviously cause more damage.

As the hovercrafts got nearer, she took another decision, however.

“I’m getting up,” She said as she got up. She had more precision this way, and it proved fruitful when she hit the one at the front full force, making a giant hole in its belly. She watched it twirl down and crash, along with the one Gabe had hit on the back. It fell down in the street, exploding almost just as badly as any bomb, but it was down.

They continued this way with the third wave of bombers, and this time, it had been Gabe who had hit the one in the front. She had hit a second one, and the guns near them took down the fourth one. She stayed there, panting for a little while as she watched the black smoke rise around them. She barely heard Paylor declare it was over, and she snapped her head towards the woman soon after that.

“Did they hit the hospital?” She asked, her voice desperate as she thought about the two kids she had seen in there. The girl with the injured leg who had called out to her brother, the little boy named Eddy. That same little boy who had barely talked, either too shy to or not able to. There were also so many mothers and families in there…

“Most likely,” Paylor answered, frowning, and Cath’s heart tightened in her chest.

She ran down after that, past Cressida and her team, Gabe following her as she ran to the hospital, or… what remained of it. People are screaming and wailing, running everywhere in the hopes of finding a way to help even though they could do… nothing. The bombs had made the roof of the hospital collapse, trapping everyone inside with the fire and smoke. Some are already trying to find a way inside to get people out, but… if the fire and remains of the roof hadn’t killed everyone inside, the smoke would have taken care of it. The whole thing had become a giant tomb.

“...Cath?” Gabe said slowly, and she could feel his hand on her shoulder, squeezing a little bit to try and get her attention. “Come on. Michael said he’s sending the hovercraft.”

“Why did they do it?” She said, instead of agreeing. She had barely heard what he said, honestly. Her feet were glued to the ground, and her eyes couldn’t leave the flaming building. She was grieving for the people in there, people who had already been hurt and hadn’t deserved this. “Why go for people who were already fucking dying?”

“To scare the others. To stop them from getting help,” He shrugged. He sounded tired, and she supposed she shouldn’t be surprised. “They had no value to Snow anymore. If the Capitol was to win… why obstruct themselves with a bunch of injured slaves?”

She stayed there for what felt like a long time, staring at the flaming hospital before finally turning around. In front of her stood Cressida and her team, appearing unbothered. One of the cameramen seemed to be, anyway, if only a little. 

“Catherine, President Snow just made the bombing pass live on TV, before saying it was a message to the rebels. What do you think? Do you have a message to do, too?”

She stared at Cressida for a moment, before nodding. She watched as they moved out of the frame of the camera, and she took a deep breath as it turned on. She allowed her bubbling anger to take over, if only for this. Snow wanted to pass a message? She would make sure he would have hers, too.

“I want to say to the rebels that I am alive. I am here, in District Eight, where the Capitol just bombed a hospital filled with injured women, men, and children, all unarmed. There are no survivors.” She took a pause, before allowing herself to pour everything she had into the words she would say next. “I want to say to the people that if you think for even a second that the Capitol will spare us in case we call for a cease-fire, you are wrong. Oh, so, so fucking wrong. Because you **know** what they are capable of. You’re seeing it here, what they’re capable of!”

She laughed a little, though it held no happiness. No nothing. It was pure anger and bitterness, as always.

“President Snow wants to give us a message? Well, I got one for him. You can torture us, bomb us, burn us, but do you see this?” She pointed towards one of the hovercrafts that they had shot down. The Capitol’s sign was clear on it, and the camera was zooming on it. “You were so scared of a fire starting, Snow! Well, guess what? It’s moving, and if you’re burning, you’re fucking burning with us!”

And she would make sure of that.


	9. Part Nine

Lukas had gotten worse.

That was the first thing she noticed, as she clutched the sheets of her hospital bed in her hands, staring at the screen that was playing Caesar’s interview. Lukas had lost a lot of weight, and his hands were shaking- badly. Despite the makeup that was covering his face, and the fine clothing he had on his back, it was obvious that it was a person exhausted and on the verge of breaking that was sitting on the chair. She had seen him not that long ago, a few days ago only, how the hell had he gotten this bad? What had they done to him, what shit had pulled on him that he now looked like that? It was disgusting, and she knew that she would be glaring at the screen if it wasn’t for the absolute horror that she felt at the moment.

She listened to the banalities he was exchanging with Caesar a little as she turned to see what James’s reaction was. He was obviously as shocked as she was, just as filled with horror and disgust, and she couldn’t blame him. He liked Lukas, that much had been obvious, and if Lukas was this way… what were they doing to his sisters? Were they going through the same things as him, or were they left alone? They didn’t know, and she knew that it would be on James’s mind once the interview would be over.

“So, Lukas…” Caesar began, as casual as always. He was used to this. This charismatic man, that the whole Capitol loved, was used to this. It was… it was disgusting, really. Everything about this was. Caesar wasn’t even _fazed._ “What do you think of the rumors that Catherine is filming propaganda spots for the rebellion?”

“They’re… they’re obviously using her,” He answered, though his answer… it didn’t sound so sure. She didn’t know if he was saying this because he was truly unsure, or if because he was trying to say what he thought Snow would want him to say so that they left him alone. Both possibilities hurt, however. “To galvanize the rebels. I’m not even sure she knows what she’s doing, what this war means.”

“Is there something you want to say to her?” Caesar asked, as patient as always, and sounding if only a little bored. Maybe he was expecting something else, something more exciting out of him. Which, would make sense. If it’s not exciting, he doesn’t get viewers, and if he doesn’t get viewers… his spot is in danger.

“Yeah,” Lukas answered, with a small nod, before turning towards the camera. He looked so much worse like that. From the side, it wasn’t too bad, but when you saw him completely from the front… it was worrying. “Don’t be stupid, Cath. Think. They’re making a weapon out of you. If you have even a bit of influence, use it to end this. Stop this war. Ask yourself if you really trust those you fight with. Are you sure you know everything? And if you don’t… search.”

The screen turned black after that, and Panem’s seal appears on the screen. The interview was over, and James soon turned off the TV after that. She was grateful Mrs. Rivera hadn’t seen this. The woman was fast asleep, and she didn’t want to know how she would have reacted had she seen it. She had enough trouble grieving her two sons, how would she take it to see that her youngest’s condition had gotten worse? She knew that people would be barging in here soon, too, to take in his condition and to make sure she wasn’t too ‘shaken’ or anything like that. Of course, she was shaken. Who wouldn’t be?

“We didn’t see anything.” James told her, taking her by the shoulders to shake her out of whatever state she was in. His voice was shaking a little, he was obviously terrified, but he was doing his best to hide it.

“What?”

“We didn’t see Lukas. Only the spot about Eight. Then we closed the TV because the images shook us. Got it?” He explained more in-depth and waited for her to nod. When she did it, he sighed and let her go. “Finish your lunch.”

Sure enough, people entered not long after. Her mouth was full of food and she was nodding in agreement with whatever James said, and they apparently believed they hadn’t seen anything, but Michael… Michael seemed doubtful. He still accepted it, and she was grateful for it, since she didn’t want to wake up to him threatening her again as he had done the day before because she had removed her communicator back in Eight. She would rather avoid anything like that for the foreseeable future.

They left soon after that and the rest of the day was spent mostly alone, as James stuck with her for the rest of the day. They talked about anything and everything, and when Mrs. Rivera woke up, they both decided not to mention the Caesar interview to her. They instead talked about whatever she wished to talk about, and they spent some time with Jesse, Johnny’s daughter. Percy had hung around but remained mostly silent. He had probably seen the spot as they had but didn’t mention it. All around, it was an odd atmosphere.

She hadn’t slept through the night, having had especially bad nightmares the first few times she had attempted to sleep and just gave up after the fourth or fifth try. She had to fake sleeping anytime someone came to check, but other than that, she had gotten the night for herself. She kind of wished she could have had actual sleep since she was released from the hospital while feeling absolutely exhausted, but she knew she would have probably been tired anyway from the nightmares. She was told to take it easy, but it certainly didn’t stop Cressida from asking her to say some lines for a new Mockingjay spot.

When training came around, she brought James with her instead. She would have brought Violet or Marcus with her and released them from classes, but the both of them had something important that day that they couldn’t miss. Of course, she had also considered Gabe, but he was currently with Beetee and Jessica in Special Defense doing… whatever. She didn’t know, really. He hadn’t really mentioned what he was doing in there and she doubted he would have told her had she asked.

“I haven’t heard anything about Lukas. Not even a word. Have they told you anything?” James asked, once they were far enough in the forest. They had hidden their communicators in a bush somewhere on their way, far enough they could still find them but that nobody could hear. At the shake of her head, he frowned a little. “Not even Gabe?”

“Nothing,” She sighed and rubbed at her eyes tiredly. She had kind of hoped he would tell her something; after all, they both cared about him, so she had kind of expected news, or a word about how he knew she knew or… anything, really. She was trying not to let her bubbling irritation about it get any worse. “I was kind of hoping he had talked to you about it, if not me.”

“He didn’t tell you anything, I doubt he’d tell me.” James pointed out, before sighing. “Maybe he’ll tell you later.”

“Hopefully.” She replied though she didn’t hold much hope in that.

They left soon after that, and that night, there was some of the meat she had brought back that afternoon with James. Gabe had eaten with her and her family, and when she had asked him if there was anything new… nothing. She tried hiding her irritation when he walked back with her to her compartment, having still told her nothing. She still smiled and told him goodnight, though. She spent most of the night awake in her bed, staring at nothing and waiting for time to pass by while she rolled the pearl she had gotten from her drawer earlier between her fingers. Her father and brother were sleeping with little to no problem, and as much as she wanted to wake one of them, she didn’t. 

When morning came, she was exhausted, and she knew she looked bad, but she was grateful nobody pointed it out. She dumped some of her food again in Violet’s plate for her to eat, and when she was about to protest, Cath only raised an eyebrow. Violet grumbled and went back to it. Cath was poking at her own food when Gabe joined them.

“You’re giving her your food?” He said, without a greeting. She supposed she preferred it this way, not having to do the awkward greetings of asking how the other slept… because they both slept like shit. She knew that. Nightmares were bad most of the time, and it was hard to get a good night’s sleep these days.

“What are you gonna do, call me out?” She answered simply, poking at the beets in her plate. She was never a fan of them, and she wasn’t that hungry. She wasn’t that hungry as much in general. She didn’t know why, but it’s not like she could do much about it. “She’s hungry, I don’t eat a lot. It’s a damn fair trade.”

“I wasn’t about to call you out for it.”

“Yeah. Sure.” She knew he was frowning, but she didn’t bother looking up. She was still irritated at him, and she knew it showed.

“Cath… are you okay?” 

“No, no as it turns out, I am not,” She snapped a little, glaring at the table before looking up at her best friend who was sitting right across from her. He was already looking a little better than when he had been seen in public again, but he was still a little bit yellow and a little bit too thin for Thirteen’s taste. “How’s Lukas, Gabe? Were you ever gonna tell me about it?”

“I didn’t want to burden you with it,” He sighed, and she was almost disappointed he wasn’t angry at her right back. It was easier to deal with it. Anger being one-sided felt… bad. It wasn’t good. She always preferred it when both sides were irritated, about to snap. It felt more satisfying to yell, to scream your feelings out when both were yelling than when only one was doing it and the other simply stood there, waiting for it to be over. “You were in the hospital, anyway, and you said you hadn’t seen it.”

“Come on, you know me better than that,” She snorted, though it wasn’t amused. “I was waiting for you to fucking mention it. I thought it was very much fucking obvious I knew, but you didn’t say anything. Gabe, you’re not the only one that worries for him. I do, James does, his brother and mother do… we’re a lot, here. So, we would have liked some _damn_ news.”

He stayed silent at that, and she just sighed in irritation as she got back up. Violet had been promptly ignoring the discussion, and she was grateful for it. With a muttered ‘see you later’, she walked away from the table, went to dump her plate, and left the cafeteria to make her way to the room where they usually did her makeup for filming.

“So, where the fuck are we going today?” She asked Cressida, as her preparation team worked on the same makeup as usual. Something neutral, that would hide the fact she hadn’t been sleeping well for two days now, and that wouldn’t make her look thirty-five years old.

“We’re bringing you back to Twelve,” Cressida said, before quickly adding “If you both feel strong enough for it, of course.”

Twelve. They were bringing her back to Twelve. Was she ready to go? She supposed she wasn’t, not really. She hadn’t gone back once since she had arrived here. It’s not like she didn’t want to, necessarily, it just… it felt like going back to a grave. A big, huge grave of what once had been her childhood, where people were alive and living, despite the poverty of the Districts. But… she didn’t have much of a choice but to go, if Cressida wanted to bring them there. The question was, would Gabe be ready, too? She didn’t know. It had been his home too, and she supposed it probably would be hard for him, too.

She stayed silent long enough that Cressida was visibly starting to be worried, and when she was about to open her mouth, most likely to propose something, Cath cut her off.

“No, no it’s fine.” She agreed, smiling, even though it was obviously fake. “We will be.”

Maybe not totally, but they would be.


	10. Part Ten

The hovercraft ride to District Twelve had felt longer than it had probably been.

Mainly because she was going back to the District for the first time since she had gone to Thirteen, but there was also the fact that it was very tense between her and Gabe. He had tried talking to her a few times at the beginning of the ride, but she had ignored him the whole time, still too bitter to bother answering without snapping. So, she kept to herself. Sure, she felt a little bad at seeing the hurt on his face when she kept on ignoring him, but, well. She was stubborn, and she would not answer just yet. She would wait until she calmed down still. Michael, however, had apparently not picked up on the tenseness or either did not care and kept talking about the Districts the rebels had gained back.

She was more than relieved to leave the hovercraft, despite the shock that took hold of her once her feet touched the ground and she could truly see the damage the fires had done.

She knew the summer had been harsh, and there had been barely any rain if there even had been any, which left the ground pretty much undisturbed from its initial state from after the fires. There was dust everywhere, and she would rather not think about whose dust it was. She walked the path, her eyes drifting to every skull or calcinated body they found or walked over, and each time, anger and numbness were battling in her chest to see which one would take over first, to see which would help her cope with all of this.

She didn’t know what state Gabe was in, himself, and as much as she wanted to check on him, she was already in a terrible state herself, she didn’t know how the hell she would be supposed to help him when she was already wondering how to help herself. He was probably wishing he could have a hand on a bottle of alcohol, that much she knew, and honestly… she was starting to wish she could take a swig of some too despite the fact that she had made sure she wouldn’t drink after her Games. Just to make sure she wouldn’t fall into it. 

She barely registered it when they reached her old house. The place was in ruins, not much was left of it. The few walls that were still standing from the fires were the only thing that helped her navigate the house, and she entered slowly, her boots crushed some remaining glass, and she was thankful that they had moved everything to their new house in the Victor’s Village. She knew seeing her house like this would be affecting her more if there were pictures left behind, or anything precious. She moved from the living room to the old kitchen, which no longer had a roof.

“What do you want me to do?” She finally spoke up after a few seconds, turning to see the team of cameramen that had followed her so far. The men were holding the cameras, their little red lights turned off, showing they weren’t filming just yet. But she supposed they would be, soon. Cressida was standing there with her little notepad, taking notes for… whatever. Ideas, most likely. Her face was carefully neutral as she looked at Cath, and her expression didn’t change when she answered.

“Whatever you want,” Cressida answered, and the lights of the cameras turned on almost immediately afterward.

Cath turned away from them and simply looked at the sky the collapsed roof now showed. She didn’t want to do anything. She didn’t want everyone to know or see her memories of her own house. They were hers, and she didn’t want them used for propaganda. As much as she knew it would probably put her into the good graces of the people who directed all of this, she didn’t want to do it. So, she just stood there, looking at the sky.

She thought back to all the things she had done with her siblings in the kitchen, all the laughter that had rung in there despite the hunger thawing at their stomachs. She remembered their mother standing at the counter of the kitchen, looking exhausted as she stood at the counter, trying to serve all her kids an equal part of food while she and her husband had whatever remained, which wasn’t enough to satiate her, or any of them. She could remember the last night she saw her mother in that kitchen before she passed away in her sleep from hunger, she could remember the siblings standing in that kitchen the morning before they went to the mines and died in there.

She didn’t want those memories on video. 

“Alright, Cath.” Cressida finally sighed out and signaled for the cameras to be turned off. “Let’s go.”

Gabe, in his case, had some trouble too. He barely talked as he looked at his old house, a place he hadn’t gone to in years. After all, it hadn’t been his home since he had been thirteen. He had stayed in the Victors Village for a little while at first, had disappeared to the Capitol for years, and then came back. That had been when he had started deteriorating, drowning himself in alcohol. She hadn’t known what she had hated the most. Seeing him on her TV screen, healthy, shiny, a model in the Capitol’s eyes, while she had nearly no real news from him back home, or seeing him become worse and worse every day, with one hand on a bottle of alcohol. She hated both of these things equally, but at least she knew she hadn’t regretted writing him that letter.

Cressida began asking questions after a minute or two of silence, asking about his family, what his life had been like before his Games, what life had been like in the Seam in general… then he had mentioned the forest, and how he used to go for hunting or whatever else, and that had made Cressida decide to go over there. It hadn’t seemed burned by the fires, so… she supposed she didn’t mind it too much as they walked over there. He continued talking, and sometimes, she added some things, but it was mostly him.

They didn’t have much else to say when they reached the lake, and Cressida thankfully decided that now would be a good time to take a break. She supposed she had taken into consideration the fact that she was covered in sweat and so was her cameramen. Cath moved away from them to drink from the lake quickly, before going to take what would be her lunch and moving to go sit with one of the cameramen- whose name, had she learned, was Jeremy. The man seemed kind enough, and she knew a little about him from what Jess had told her about him. The two of them were friends.

Cath, however, was not friends with him.

She wanted to be on good terms with him, however, after all, he seemed like a sweet enough man, the only problem was that she had never been talented at making friends. It didn’t help that she didn’t know what to say to him, she was scared that whatever she said would either offend him or hurt him. So she kept her mouth shut and ate in silence, at least until a bird landed on a tree branch above them. A mockingjay. She grinned and nudged Jeremy, before pointing at the bird on the branch above them. He looked at it before turning to point at the pin on her armor, an eyebrow raised, obviously asking a question. She nodded, confirming that it was the same bird, before biting at her lip and taking a breath before whistling the four little notes that Rue had shown her back in her first arena.

Jeremy looked delighted when the bird mimicked them, and he began whistling soon after, grinning when the bird answered. She supposed he must have had discussions with Jess and other people back in Thirteen, but… she bet he hadn’t had a real vocal discussion in ages. So the fact that he could have some sort of discussion with a bird, even if it was just whistling… yeah, she could understand that. Jeremy kept that going for a little bit before turning back to her and grabbing a small branch to write in the dirt. ‘Sing?’. 

Considering the four notes had been a song in itself… she assumed he was asking for a real song. Like what she had sung for Rose as she died. 

She frowned and thought for a few seconds, seeing she didn’t like singing in front of near-strangers, but at the same time… she supposed he wasn’t completely, since he was friends with Jess. So, she took a breath and began singing the first song that came to mind. 

_Are you, are you, coming to the tree?  
Where they strung up a man, they said murdered three.  
Strange things did happen here, no stranger would it be,  
If we met, up at midnight, in the hanging tree._

She noticed the birds turning, tilting their heads to register in the song.

_Are you, are you, coming to the tree?  
Where the dead man called out, for his love to flee.  
Strange things did happen here, no stranger would it be,  
If we met, up at midnight, in the hanging tree._

She had definitely caught the birds’ attention, now. By the time she’ll have finished singing, they’ll most likely be singing it, since the song was simple and not much changed during it.

_Are you, are you, coming to the tree?  
Where I told you to run, so we’d both be free.  
Strange things did happen here, no stranger would it be,  
If we met, up at midnight, in the hanging tree._

It was silence, in the forest, besides the leaves dancing in the wind. It was odd to hear nothing as she sung, used to some kind of background noise when she did so. Her father doing something in the house, her brother being loud, literally anything. She kept singing, however.

_Are you, are you, coming to the tree?  
Wear a necklace of rope, side by side with me.  
Strange things did happen here, no stranger would it be,  
If we met, up at midnight, in the hanging tree._

The birds were waiting for what would come next, but there was nothing. The song was over, and the silence remained for a few seconds more before the birds began singing it again for themselves. She stared at them, deep in thought. Her twin siblings had been the ones to show her the song when she was younger. They had been sitting in the living room, and Dan was singing, and so would be Rock. Dan had the better voice out of the both of them, but that had certainly not stopped Rock from singing along with their twin brother. Cath would sit with them, singing along, and they would be making necklaces. She didn’t fully understand the lyrics back then, but she supposed she now understood why her mother had screamed at her father for teaching the twins the song when the three of them went to work in the mines.

The song had been banned from the house after that.

She was broken out of her thoughts when Cressida screamed for the cameras to be turned off.

She stared at the cameras, and Jeremy was the one to help her up from the ground. She was complimented a little on her singing, but she ignored most of the comments. She hadn’t done it for the camera, she hadn’t done it for anyone else but herself and the person had been sitting with. She knew it would end up in a propaganda spot, and she knew she couldn’t stop it. So she remained silent as they made their way back, she talked a bit to Gabe when Cressida insisted they went to their old meeting spot, but other than that, she remained silent.

Until she was allowed to go to her home by herself, however.

Her house in Victors’ Village was cold, without her father, Marcus or Cindy hanging around. She had never grown attached to it as she had with her old home, but this place had still been something she had called home. So walking in it, and seeing it mostly untouched except for the accumulated dust, was… both weird and reassuring. Nothing much had changed, and as she walked to the mantle, she looked over the pictures on it. She grabbed the one with her whole family on it, the twins and her mother included, and she grabbed a most recent one of her father, Marcus, and her. She also had a small picture of Lukas and Gabe on there, a very recent one that she had taken without them looking.

She took that one too.

She then went for the kitchen, where she opened the small closet in there. She grabbed a box, some cotton, whatever jars and herbs she thought her father would want, and sat on the floor to begin wrapping it. Despite the singing earlier in the day and the fact it had been filmed without her consent or knowledge, she hummed a little, working, trying not to think anything else that would end up hurting her in the end. Once everything was packed, she grabbed the box and got up, and when she turned around, she paused at seeing Gabe was standing there. 

She hadn’t noticed him walking in.

She put the box on the table and he moved to it, taking the picture at the top, the one where he and Lukas were looking at each other, appearing… happy. Being happy was hard after the Games, so… she had preferred to take a picture of it just so that she could remember that she could be happy, that her best friends could be too.

“How come I’ve never noticed you took that?” He asked, looking at it and holding it tight. He was hurting, of course he was. The person he loved was stuck in the Capitol, and… she supposed she only somehow thought about the fact that he would have taken the both of them if he could have. 

“That was the point,” She answered, grinning a little, crossing her arms as she stood there somewhat awkwardly. “I’m more surprised you hadn’t seen it earlier. That was on the mantle for a damn few months.”

“I don’t really look at the pictures on the mantle, Cath.”

“I know.”

Silence stretched for a little bit before he put the picture back on top of the other two.

“I would have told you eventually.” He said, rather quietly, and she knew what he was talking about. Of course, she knew. The propaganda spot she had seen with James, stuck in her hospital bed. The one James had told her they would pretend to not have seen, only to end up disappointed when Gabe didn’t talk to her about it, as she had expected.

“Eventually wouldn’t have been fucking good enough,” She answered, though she hadn’t snapped it out as she would have had he told her that earlier that day. She was tired, and honestly, she wasn’t that good at being mad at him. Sure, she could be, and she could be for a long time if he truly fucked up, but for a thing like that… as much as it was important, she supposed she could understand his reasons. She knew she would have probably had similar ones had the situations been reversed. “I trusted you to talk to me about it. I knew, and as I fucking said, you know me better than that. You shouldn’t have played the card of not knowing I knew.”

“I’m sorry.” He said simply, and she supposed there wasn’t much he could add to that.

“I’m sorry, too.” She sighed out, rubbing at her arms, before sighing and reaching out for a hug. “For snapping at you, I mean. I’m not gonna apologize for being fucking angry but I could have handled that more gracefully.”

She didn’t know why she was grateful that he hadn’t moved out of it, but she was. He didn’t give an answer at what she said, however, and she was fine with that. She just hugged him, he hugged her, and eventually, she moved out of it.

“Come on. We should be going back.”


	11. Part Eleven

_“Cath… how do you think all of this will end? Nobody is safe, not even here in the Capitol. And you, in District Thirteen… you’ll be dead before morning!”_

Those words had been haunting her for three days, now. 

She wished she could forget them already. However, it was a little bit hard to when those words had been screamed at you from a screen, a screen one of your best friends had been on. Add to that that his state had worsened, add to that the fact that he had been beaten up off-screen right after that, it just made it harder to forget it. At first, it had been the only thing she felt like she could hear anymore. The ringing and people talking to her were registered, and she answered when needed, but outside of that, the words felt louder. Her brother had helped calm her down a little when he finally reached them, a few minutes after their father, the box filled with stuff she had collected back in Twelve in his arms.

During the entirety of the second day, she had worried for everyone outside of herself. It was easier this way, to ignore the fear that was squeezing at her heart from her brother’s words the night before, his words telling her that the Capitol would do anything to break her. It was easier to take care of her family, her friends, Mrs. Rivera and what was left of the woman’s family, and the Gardners, than taking care of herself. She knew it was no good, but she still had ignored the looks she was given at acting like what she had heard the day before had never happened, and she had ignored the tears that kept welling in her eyes along with the knot in her throat. She knew crying would do no good, not when everyone was looking at her as Michael had so kindly told her on the first day when they had first entered the bunker.

On the third day, to try and work through the fear and pain that Snow’s propaganda spot had given her, she had managed to find someone to ask them if they had any paper and pens she could use. They had told her no at first, but she didn’t know if it was because they had seen her shaking hands, or simply because they pitied her, but they found a way to get her a sketchpad, and the basic supplies to draw. She had no colors, but at least she could play with shadows easily enough, and whatever free time she had, it had been spent holed away at her spot, her brother watching her draw while nodding off as she hummed whatever song came to mind first to quiet the thoughts.

She should have known that paper and pens would attract kids.

Not that she minded, honestly. 

If there was one thing that kids were good at, it was distracting you. Whether intentionally or not, they always did in one way or another, unless the child was an especially perceptive one, but then again they would probably know to shut up if that was the case. So, having these kids flock to her and stare at her pencils and eraser, it was hard not to allow them to take a sheet of paper and get to work themselves. Sure, they were a bit loud for other people’s taste, but to her… she certainly did not mind it. It quieted down the thoughts, and she was more than glad to help these kids when they reached out to her. She showed them what she did when they asked, she showed them how to do it themselves if they tried to do it, and she smiled at the little girls who wanted to draw dresses as she had.

“Miss Catherine?” One of the kids had said, rather shyly, shuffling over to her, a piece of paper held tightly in his pale hands. He had gray eyes, eyes of the Seam, but she pushed that thought away. There had to be more than one person in District Thirteen who had gray eyes but were not from Twelve. The kid stood there, a little bit awkwardly as she waited for her answer.

“Just Cath is fine,” She answered, and raised an eyebrow as she waited for his answer. He was opening his mouth and closing it a few times, obviously shy, and she sighed a little but reached a hand out towards him. “Do you want to show me your drawing?”

“It’s you,” The kid declared, shoving the drawing in her hands. The penwork was childish, of course it was, but at least he had known how to work with shades a little bit, allowing everything to either be in black, gray, or white. As she watched it, however, and with the kid’s statement, she could piece it together. It was her during her propaganda spots, so in her armor and all, but… still. “I made it with no help at all!”

“Yeah… yeah, it’s great, kid, I’ll keep it.” She answered, smiling a little, a genuine one, as she folded it and put it in her stuff for safekeeping. The kid was beaming when she turned back, and despite the thoughts that were swimming in her head, despite Lukas’s words, despite the constant fear for everybody she loved… it was nice, to have this little moment, where these kids, clueless of the world, did drawings of people they admired or simply liked. “Thank you.”

The kid had gone back after that and kept drawing, and she simply shook her head with a tiny smile, before going back to her work herself. Eventually, however, the kids had to leave and go back to their own compartments, as lights out were approaching and the usual schedule for everyone to go to showers and prepare for the night was beginning. So, as the kids left, so did her distraction, and soon, everything was swarming back on her full force. She did what she could to quiet the thoughts down, she began humming again, she did what she could, but despite it all… it did nothing.

And she couldn’t sleep because of it.

She didn’t know what gave her the idea of getting up and looking for James, and Gabe while she was at it because at this point she doubted the two of them stayed far from each other after what had happened back in the Commands room days go, but she certainly wasn’t about to turn back on her heel and go back to her spot to drown in whatever misery she was stuck in. She sneaked around the bunker, trying not to wake anyone, and looked around squinting into the darkness where security lights didn’t reach. She doubted James was in the darkness, but then again, she never knew. She finally spotted him under one of the said security lights, working at his rope.

“Surprised to see you’re not with Gabe,” Were her first words to him, as she sat down next to him, pulling her knees close to her chest and simply watching her friend work at the rope in his hands. “Considering you two haven’t been far from each other for the past couple of days.”

“He’s sleeping, for once. And moving a lot.” James answered, looking up for a moment before going back to what he was doing. He didn’t seem all that bothered that she wasn’t sleeping, in fact, she certainly thought he had been expecting it. It came with having been stuck together for days in the hospital, she supposed. He didn’t ask her anything, however, after answering her. Simply remained silent.

“You know, I finally figured out why they’re doing this with Lukas,” She mumbled, squeezing her legs a little. And she had. She had figured it out, during the night of the second day. She had been alone, she hadn’t been sleeping, and she didn’t want to wake up her brother or her father. So she had stayed on the ground, and she had stared at the ceiling, thinking. Snow was pressuring her, just showing her and everyone that cared for him that he was hurting him. “They’re doing this to your sisters, too, aren’t they?”

“Yeah, but they didn’t arrest them for information,” He answered, and his hands paused at his rope. He looked… so infinitely sad. Having his sisters stuck at the Capitol, along with one of the guys he loved… it was no wonder he was stuck in such a state. If Jess was stuck over there with Lukas, if her own family was stuck over there… there was no doubt in her mind she would be in the same state as him. “They know I would have never given them that information, for their own security.”

“I’m sorry.”

“No, no I am. I tried telling you on the hovercraft, but I should… I should have shut up. Told you either at the beginning of the Quells or not at all.” He huffed, and now he was tugging at his rope again, harsher than he had been when she had gotten there. “I didn’t understand, at first. I believed after your first Games, that your love story wasn’t real. And I was right, but, well… during Training, and when I saw your reaction when Lukas hit the force field…”

She stayed silent. He was frowning as if trying to piece together what he was trying to say. She did remember the force field incident. She had been terrified. Angry, and terrified. She and Lukas may not love each other romantically as the story had meant to show the Capitol, but she did love him platonically. He was her best friend, and it was a bit hard not to care for someone who had gone through the same Games you had and survived, it was a bit hard not to end up being ride or die with that person. She had screamed at Lukas when he had woken up again after James pretty much reanimated him, but, well… she cared. Couldn’t change that.

“I realized I misjudged you. You do love him, just… not in a romantic way, and I suppose I know why now,” James snorted a little, though it held little to no amusement. A smile twitched at her lips, though it was gone just as quickly as it had appeared. Yeah. He knew she wasn’t into boys at all. “But you do love him, and people just need to watch you to see that you care.”

“It wasn’t hard to see you cared either, you know,” She added quietly, and James looked up from his rope to look at her at that statement. He didn’t say anything, he didn’t confirm anything nor deny it. He stopped staring after a while and simply shook his head before going back to his rope, and she didn’t add anything either. But after a little while… “Other than that… how are you holding up?”

“I’m not, Cath, you can see that I am not.” He laughed out, though it wasn’t amused. It was… it was a sort of despair. The kind that came with trying and trying, but nothing came out of it. It was one that came with going through your days, waiting for something to happen, but nothing ever did. It was quiet despair, one that stuck with you no matter what you did, one that wasn’t big and flashy like the kind that came right after something big rocked your world. “I have nightmares every night, and when I wake up, I see that being awake doesn’t solve anything. It’s just… you can’t let go. It’s ten times longer to build yourself up than letting yourself go.”

He stared at her for a long time after that, before sighing and continuing.

“The trick is finding something to help you hang on,” He explained, before giving her his rope. The one that was fraying from the amount of time he had been using it, the one with a few knots in it that couldn’t be undone from how hard he had made them. “We’ll find you a rope tomorrow morning. Take mine for now.”

She took the rope and stared at it for a long time, pressing her lips together, before looking up at James and sighing. She moved to sit next to him, and for the rest of the night, head on his shoulder, she made knots and showed them to him, asking if it seemed okay. She didn’t move, and her fingers were bloody by morning, but…

She hadn’t snapped yet.

She supposed she should take it as a win.


	12. Part Twelve

Nobody mentioned the fact that she hadn’t been at her compartment in the morning, and neither had been James, or Gabe, who had joined them maybe an hour or two before everyone else woke up. Nobody had mentioned that two of them looked like they hadn’t slept in days, while another looked like he had gone through one hell of a nightmare and probably craved the comfort a bottle had used to bring. Nobody had mentioned any of this, and she preferred it that way. She would rather not have to fight someone over the fact that she was just fine when she obviously wasn’t, as she did not wish to close her eyes for too long to discover what the dreams would bring.

Thankfully, though, Emma had eventually allowed everyone to leave the bunker after there had been 24 hours without anything hitting them over the head. She looked forward to leaving that damned bunker, but she also dreaded what she would discover once they would leave. Would most things be destroyed in the District? Would she have to relocate again, get used to another place, another temporary home all over again? She doubted it, as Emma did not mention anything of the sort. So, as she got in line to exit the bunker, she forced herself to think that nothing had been destroyed, or at least, nothing major had been damaged. She wasn’t halfway to the door, however, before Boggs came to get her, James, and Gabe.

They were guided through halls, up the stairs, until they reached an elevator that brought them to Special Defense. She had looked around the whole time, waiting to see the damage that wouldn’t be able to be fixed, but there had been nothing. She assumed it was because they were still deep underground, but seeing nothing was damaged so far certainly helped her calm down if only a little. Then they were guided to a room that was seemingly identical to the Commands room, and many people were already sitting there. Michael, with a cup of coffee clutched in his hands, Cressida was also there with her team, and there were various others, along with President Emma.

“I want you four to get equipped and go back to the surface,” Emma began, not even waiting for them all to have sat down. The moment they entered the room, the moment they were standing far enough inside and that the door had been closed, she began speaking. She didn’t look like she had been affected at all by the bombing, and either she was very good at detaching herself from situations like this, or she had gone through something like this before. Maybe both, for all Cath knew. “You’ll have two hours to record the damages of the bombing and show off that we are still functional and dangerous, along with the fact that the Mockingjay is still alive. Any questions?”

It was silent for a little bit before James cleared his throat.

“Yes, actually, can we get some coffee?”

There was a light chuckle from someone inside the room, maybe because they hadn’t expected this to be asked, but they were soon handed some coffee. She held the cup tightly in her hands, feeling the warmth spread through her fingers, and she stared at the dark liquid in the cup. She quite liked the beverage, despite how bitter it could be, and she had always made sure to get some if she could in the Capitol seeing how expensive it could be back home, but right now… right now, she felt like she couldn’t eat or drink anything. There was a knot in her stomach, and she felt like she would throw up anything that entered her system. She still smiled weakly and nodded in thanks at James when he poured some milk in her cup and dumped a sugar cube in there, smirking as he had back at the Chariots of the Quells. She rolled her eyes at the sight, but didn’t comment on it.

Soon enough, she was brought to her new Transformation room, where they helped her into her costume and applied light makeup before her coffee had the chance to cold. They had looked at her bloody fingers, frowning in light concern, but they didn’t comment on it when she snatched her hand back. She didn’t want it to be commented on. So, she took back her cup of coffee and held it in her hands tightly as she and the filming crew were on their way to the surface less than ten minutes after Emma’s request. She supposed that two hours wasn’t a lot for people like them, and it explained the speed at which she had been prepared.

She downed her coffee on the way, despite the fact that her body wasn’t agreeing with it. She wasn’t feeling great by the time they reached the final ladder, and she inhaled deeply when fresh air hit them. It helped a little, but as she climbed out and watched the yellowing leaves, she still felt no good. It explained the stronger shakes anyway, as she caught one stray yellow leaf and twisted it gently between her thumb and index finger.

“What day are we?” She asked, and she noticed her voice was a little croaky. It came with barely talking the whole morning, she supposed. Not that it was important right now, anyway.

“September.” Boggs answered, apparently not bothered. For him, it meant barely anything. For her, and for James, Gabe, and anyone who cared, really, it meant that the Capitol had Lukas hostage for five weeks, maybe six. Much too long for her taste. What knew what longer would do to him, after all. He looked terrible already. She didn’t want to find out one day that he had eventually died at the treatment he had gone through. She didn’t want to find out that he had died, and that they wouldn’t even get a proper goodbye.

“Will you rebuild?” She asked after that, as they walked through the forest and reached the first crater that the bomb had left. Boggs had casually mentioned that the people in the first ten levels had probably been killed, and she tried not to let it affect her too much. She hadn’t known them, and besides, all of them should have reached the bunker. So, there probably hadn’t been that much death. Or at least, she hoped so.

“Not immediately,” Boggs answered next, as they walked. The trees were slowly disappearing until they were gone completely when they crossed the metal wire fence. There were ruins and other such things around each crater, some old and some new. Before the bombing, there hadn’t been many buildings from the start, only a few training fields, some guard posts… so it didn’t change much. “That missile didn’t hit much. A few emergency generators and a farm. We’ll just fill up the hole.”

“How much time did you gain from Lukas’s warning?” Gabe had been the one to ask, as they continued to walk across the bombed terrain.

“Ten minutes, give or take.”

Ten minutes. Ten little minutes. Not a lot, but if there was one thing she learned, is that every second mattered. So who knew how much that helped them. They remained silent after that until they reached the Hall of Justice, where Cressida wished to film them. A little amusing, maybe, considering that was the background on which the Capitol used to film their spots telling them of the supposed condition of District Thirteen. Maybe that was the point, after all. Truly expose the Capitol for their lies about the District. Show them that it was all a lie, a ruse. Even if they already knew.

They were soon slowed down by Gabe however, once he noticed something they had not. She looked back at him in slight confusion before she looked down, and at the roses that were covering the ground.

Pure white roses. Snow’s signature.

“Don’t touch them!” She yelled out, her eyes staring at the roses. The shakes intensified, and she did her best to hide them, though she doubted she did a good job at it. She was terrified, and her heart was pumping hard in her chest. From the coffee or simply from the sight of the roses, she didn’t know, and at this point, it’s not like it mattered. Everyone stopped moving, and those that were about to reach for them retreated. “They’re for me.”

She stared at the roses as they were being collected by people in special suits, she stared at the ground even after they were removed. What had been Snow’s point at this? They knew it was him who had been bombing them, after all, it had been Lukas who had given them the warning. So, if it was to prove to them that it was him who had done this, he had failed, miserably. Though she doubted that had been his plan. It wouldn’t surprise her if it was meant to destabilize her, and send a warning. A warning to everyone who was going against what Snow wanted, that he wasn’t afraid to do this again, if only worse than before.

Needless to say, it had indeed destabilized her. Snow knew what he was doing. He had been the one to make sure Fritz was beaten up in front of her. He had planned on it, he knew she had been close to them. And now, he was doing it again.

However, the roses didn’t stop anyone.

Cressida went to place Jeremy and Castor, and while Cath knew she should be focusing, the only thing she could seemingly do was stare. Stare and stare, while her mind went elsewhere. Try to escape the growing anxiety over the already constant fear since the announcement of the missiles. She knew the coffee didn’t help with how sick she felt, and she certainly regretted it now, as she felt the sweat rolling down her back, and as the light gave her a headache. She finally snapped out of it when Cressida moved away from Castor and Jeremy, and she took a deep breath to try and calm herself down.

“So, what is it you guys want again?” 

“Only a few sentences to tell people you’re still alive and still fighting,” Cressida explained, and she frowned a little bit. She supposed she sounded just as bad as she felt. She bet she looked like it, too. Though she had to do this. She could go wallow in a corner and be sick somewhere else after this.

“Alright. I can do that.” She confirmed, and Cressida apparently decided she would probably be fine, since she gave the signal for Castor and Jeremy to start the cameras. The red light blinked awake, and all Cath could do was stare at it. Come on. Just a few sentences. Just a few sentences, it wasn’t that hard, was it? You could leave after. “I got nothing.”

“Okay. You don’t look that great… do you think you can do this?” The woman asked, bringing out a small cloth to wipe away the sweat that was apparently on Cath’s forehead. At that sentence, she only frowned and nodded, making Cressida sigh. “Alright, what do you think of a few questions to answer? Will that help you?”

One more nod and Cressida smiled a little and moved away. Cath crossed her arms and took another breath to try and calm herself, her heart beating so hard against her ribcage she was wondering if it was trying to escape. She looked out of the corner of her eye at James, who was doing thumbs up to encourage her, even though he looked about just as shitty as she probably was. Gabe was standing next to him, though… she didn’t know how he felt. His face was neutral, but she still smiled quickly at him before turning back to the camera properly.

“Alright, Catherine, you survived the bombing of District Thirteen. How would you compare this to what you experienced back in District Eight?”

“We were too far underground, I didn’t really feel in any danger…” She began, her voice slightly shaky, though she still stood as straight as she could to make up for it. She took a breath and exhaled, before continuing. “Thirteen is still alive and strong, and…”

Her voice gave up at that last part.

“Try again,” Cressida encouraged, trying to smile to calm her down. “Thirteen is still alive and strong and so am I.”

_Thirteen is still alive and strong and so am I._

It wasn’t that hard of a sentence. Just a few words. A few words and she would be left alone for the rest of the day afterward. She could hide away, spend time with whoever she wanted… she would be free for the rest of the day. She could sleep if she wanted. But she couldn’t say the words. They felt like a lie on her tongue, it felt too sweet. The smell of the roses didn’t help with this either. Because, for one, yes, Thirteen was still strong. It had some damage, but it was still alive, strong, and fighting. Her, however… she was so close to snapping. She wasn’t strong, not right now. She was alive, but it certainly did not feel like it.

But there was also the fact, that if she said those words, if those words were streamed to the whole world, the district wouldn’t be affected by it. She wouldn’t be affected by it, they wouldn’t send anything to her.

However, they would make the consequences fall on Lukas.

Snow was playing his move on the chessboard every time she did her own, but he never attacked her directly. Instead, he lowered his sword a little every day over Lukas’s head, and she never knew when it would strike down, chop it off. If she did this move, if she talked, then she knew the next move would be bad. How bad, she didn’t know. She didn’t want to know.

“I can’t do it.” She said, and her voice was shaky. She knew there were tears in her eyes, and she could feel them drip down, but she ignored them. Her arms fell to the side, and she shook her head. She could feel the knot in her throat, she could feel the words blocking on their way. She had to force them out. “I can’t fucking do it.”

“What’s up with her?” Michael’s voice was heard, and she could feel the words ringing in her ears. She didn’t know why they hurt, but she couldn’t dwell on it now.

“She figured out how Snow is using Lukas,” James answered, and he sounded just as bad as she was. She didn’t know if he was crying too. She was too stuck in her own world, apparently.

She could hear the whispers rise around her, and she knew that was what they had been avoiding. For her to discover this. Because they knew she wouldn’t want to continue her role around this, despite Emma’s conditions, just so that she wouldn’t hurt him anymore.

“I’m sorry,” She whispered, the words weak and so quiet, she doubted anyone truly heard them. The tears were still streaming, and she didn’t know if she had reached out to Gabe at some point without knowing or if he had come by himself, but all she knew was that when he came to hug her, she didn’t stop him. She clung. She felt like a child. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.”

“It’s okay,” He answered, though it certainly didn’t feel like it was okay. It wasn’t. It wasn’t okay.

“It’s my damn fault,” She kept crying, despite the fact that she wanted it to stop. Her emotions were overflowing, she was exhausted, and she had been on the verge of a breakdown for days. It figured it would hit her in the face now, of all moments. “I’m doing this, Gabe. It’s my fault.”

“It’s okay,” He repeated, but she didn’t know if it was because he was insisting, or if he because he didn’t know what to say. Most likely the latter. “Cath, it’s okay.”

“ _It’s not._ ” She insisted. “It’s not, it’s really not. I’m causing all of this. I caused all of this. I’m sorry. I’m sorry-”

Her voice cut off again, and she fell in her sobs. She couldn’t talk anymore, and if she tried, she knew nothing would come out, only blabbers. She eventually felt a needle in her arm, and she knew they had injected her with something as she fell asleep after that. A welcome darkness. It was more reassuring than accepting what was happening out there. If she was asleep, then she couldn’t fuck up. It would be fine.

Needless to say, she was more than disappointed when she woke up, a day later.

The white of the hospital was aggressive at first, but she slowly adapted to it, groaning a little. Yeah, she sure felt like a woman who had been out for too long. She raised a shaking hand to rub at her eyes, and when she turned to the side a little, she blinked at the sight of who it was. Jess was sitting there, in her wheelchair still, though she knew it was only a matter of time before she ditched that thing. The woman looked concerned, and a little scared, though she mostly looked relieved that she was now awake.

“Glad to see you’re back with us,” She greeted, smiling a little, though it looked… fake. More of a façade to cover something than anything else. “How are you feeling? Are you hurting anywhere? Your arm is okay, right? They injected you with something but they weren’t exactly careful considering you had a breakdown and it was a little bit hard to-”

“Jess?” She croaked out, looking around the hospital a little and seeing Mrs. Rivera’s bed to her left, and there was a curtain stretched closed behind Jessica. The woman stopped in her little stream of questions, obviously still concerned, but waited for what she was about to say. “Where’s… Where’s James?”

“Behind the curtain, behind me,” She answered, sighing. She stretched a hand out to take Cath’s and squeezed a little. Cath squeezed the hand back, looking at the freckled woman, waiting for her to continue. “He broke down soon after you. It was quite a show, apparently.”

“I bet…” She smiled a little, though it quickly faded away. “And Gabe?”

“About that…” Jess winced a little, obviously not looking forward to having to explain this. “You’ll be glad to know they’re sending a team to get Lukas. Michael said it would be costly, considering they’re gonna lose spies for this mission, but… Boggs is taking care of the mission, so it shouldn’t be too bad-”

“Jess, where are you going with this?”

“They were then asking for volunteers, and I would have gone, but considering my state, it would have been a little hard to convince them-”  
“Jess.”

Silence, as the woman stared at their held hands. Jessica was biting at her lip, chewing on it as she sighed and looked back up eventually.

“Gabe volunteered to go.”

She shouldn’t have been as surprised as she was.


End file.
